Wednesday, April 30, 2008

JESUS CHRIST!

How hard is it to write THANKS, America? I mean honestly, where the hell did you get THX? There's no fucking X in THANKS to begin with, so why are you adding it? Is it too hard to write five letters instead of three? No, it isn't. You're all just idiots who learned to spell using T9 on your shitty Motorola.

Now you're probably sitting there at your office desk right now, reading my rant, chatting up your BFF, and having a good ROFL. Well guess what America, too bad for you. Any true asshole like myself knows that proper spelling/grammar is the only way you're going to get a good, long ROFLATIO. And that's my rant for the day.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

And also, vote for Obama...



As part of his show at Coachella last weekend, Roger Waters (who?) released a giant inflatable pig (oh, he was in Pink Floyd) that bore various references to some anticapitalism-themed tour undertaken by Pink Floyd back in the 70s. He did this while playing Pink Floyd songs in front of giant pictures of old Pink Floyd shows that flashed across the scaena frons. The underbelly of the pig sported a big "OBAMA" next to a checked box. This struck me as odd, this one modern element in the whole production, then I realized that they probably just painted over the old text, "ACID."

(fast forward to about 1:37 to see the Obama reference. also, turn off your sound. Pink Floyd sucks.)

WTF Moment of the Year

This year's dubious honor belongs to Armin Meiwes, a one-time cannibal who now abstains from all meats from the confines of prison.

It seems as though Mr. Meiwes put out an ad online back in 2001 in search of a friend to cut and eat. Sounds appealing, right? Well, a man by the name of Bernd Jürgen Brandes seemed to think so. As the story goes, Brandes and Meiwes met up in March 2001 for their flesh fiesta. After amputating Brandes penis (though Brandes initially wanted Meiwes to remove said appendage by biting), the two men began to prepare the newly sliced meat with a nice salt/pepper/garlic seasoning to enrich the taste. Unfortunately the penis proved too weak of a meat to cook as it ended up immediately burning to a crisp. Not to be thwarted, Meiwes set his sights on the rest of Brandes' flesh as his counterpart slowly gushed blood from his used-to-be pee tube. Eager to pass the time until he could finish his man steaks, Meiwes caught up on a little light reading as he enjoyed a Star Trek book to work up a healthy appetite. Needless to say, some human was eaten a few hours later.

Jesus Christ! I guess it's a damn good thing Mr. Meiwes quit eating humans and became a strict vegetarian. Now he's just got to work on his more dangerous vices like cigarettes and alcohol.

Liveblogging: My last class ever



Education is complete.

Portishead's Third - Rise of the Machine [Gun]

Wait until the synthesizer in the last 45 seconds of the song, and you too will believe that you were sent from the year 2029 to save Sarah Conner from being assassinated by a machine.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Not So Punk Rock



Jay Reatard has some issues regarding his personal space. chill out guy!

Punk Rock is Dead; Go Home



Joe Strummer is dead. Sid Vicious is dead. Joey Ramone is dead. GG Allin is dead. Apparently Patti Smith is still alive, but punk rock is most definitely fucking dead! There's a Pinkberry on St. Mark's now, put there to compete with several other fro-yo start-ups. CBGB is now a John Varvatos. So you kids hanging around Ave. A, telling me "fuck you" because I'm withdrawing money from the ATM to go buy a Tijuana Special at Cherry Tavern need to STFU, take out your nose rings, go back home to Queens, study hard, and get a decent job productively serving your community/me a slice of pizza/whatever.

Here you'll find a video of Hated, the documentary about GG Allin. It's entertaining because it makes eminently clear just how fucking dead punk is. You probably don't want to watch this at work because of the large amount of nudity, piss drinking, and shit eating.

Wesley Stripes?


The actor from SoBro whose work includes the Blade trilogy and Demolition man will be spending three years in prison for intentionally not filing income taxes from 1999-2001. Apparently he tried the oldest trick in the book:

"His lawyers tried to give the court three envelopes with checks totaling $5 million, but the judge and prosecutor said they could not accept the payments."

The plan further backfired when " an Internal Revenue Service agent collected the money during a recess."

Poor Wesley, his movies entertained us so. I've probably donated $25 or so of my personal wealth to Wesley Snipes over the years and frankly i'm glad he didn't split it with the government. If I were handling his defense, I would argue that between the years 1999 and 2001 Wesley was working as a UN special operative while struggling to keep his relationship together, and also being blackmailed by a corrupt german gun manufacturer who held his daughter hostage: classic case of duress.

Speaking of classic: Rising Sun (1993), classic, total classic!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Drivin' Good in the Neighborhood



Because let's be honest: when you want Applebee's, there's no limit to what we're willing to do.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Friday Excerpt from my Unpublished Biography

Mark Gastineau was sued in 1989 by a Peoria, IL father over the release of a DVD titled "Push It to the Limit". Commercials depicted the instructional video as Gastineau's own personal football technique, drills and coaching to the kids. However, this was false advertising. The actual tape consisteted of nothing but motivational speeches, bizarre inserts of Gastineau screaming into the camera, snorting lines of cocaine, dancing and in one instance, fondling a womans breast. He was also depicted screaming "GET FIRED UP" and seen tearing up a small television studio (going as far as to chew on the carpet). Gastineau settled out of court, and production on the short lived video was halted immediately. Very few copies exist today, but it remains one of the most serious cases of false advertising from any sports figure in the last 20 years.

DiSaronno Concert Etiquette: Tips for the Summer

As concert season booms into full swing in the coming months, our writers here at the Dblog, would like to offer some sweet dance moves to consider while you totally rock your faces off this summer. Jean shorts are not optional!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

best commercial ever - first post in weeks!

Tomorrow: ICE! COLD! BEER!

No commercial has made so many people want to make love to a beer.

Liveblogging: Securities Regulation Class



took me the whole 2 hours to draw this badboy on the inside cover of my textbook. It's called "late night duck."

çh®is†øπhe® WåLkeN

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

DiSaranno Scavenger (hunt)



If someone can tell me where in the city I can find Busch beer, I will buy that person a pound of italian (or other) sausage.

Liveblogging From Work - Phoenix Edition

10:02 AM: Get 3 phone calls at once. Wish I could just transfer one caller to talk to the others.

10:07 AM: Make the mistake of calling one of the most annoying employees at my company to ask a favor. The favor comes at a price.

10:08 AM: Said employee enters my office and tells me what he's having for lunch. "Beef hearts." Beef hearts? "They're beans now but they'll be farts later!" That's quite a 1950's style knee slapper.

10:22 AM: Head up go good ol' Staff Appreciation Day. Continental breakfast is served (employee asks me which continent). I inform him that the breakfast will probably consist of pasteries and fresh fruit. I am correct. Receive a Staff Appreciation Day gift of a tote and an umbrella. The umbrella is The Gift for Staff Appreciation Day 2K8.

10:51 AM: Enough fun, I am going for a smoke.

"I may be barely tall enough to see over the podium, but my cock is *this* big"



A little early in the morning to see something like this.

"Charlie Rose" by Samuel Beckett

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Eureretro Tuesday - Pure

Lightning Seeds were an offshoot of the megaband Big in Japan... no, not that song by Alphaville, the band, you silly (one that would also go on to produce Frankie Goes to Hollywood, The KLF (see second video), and Siouxie and The Banshees (see third video). Their first major hit, "Pure."




You have to love a song that can be described as "80s British Psych-Pop."




Note the amazing melody usage of the cell phone/walkie talkie.



An ode to 60's hottie Jayne Mansfield.

LiveBlogging the Workspace

Secretary: "What do you think of this shirt? I think it's a little too shear."

Co-worker: "Yeah, I can see your bra. I have a medium-toned one on today."

S: "Oh yeah? Do you mind changing with me?"

C: "Absolutely not. What size are you?"

S: Incoherent mumbling because she realized I started paying attention

C: "Cool, let's go switch."

Me: I wonder if my boss wants to switch boxer-briefs with me? Mine are a little moist at the moment and my undercarriage is a bit raw after those wings last night. I better not ask . . .

DiSaronno Gourmet: Baby Octopus with Mixed Hot Peppers

I cooked this and it was delicious.

You don't have to be a dog lover 2

Santogold

the album from Brooklyn's MIA just leaked, get it while it's hot.



UPDATE: according to Luigi, MIA moved to Bed Stuy and so the first line of this post is a little confusing. MIA - stop moving around so much.

Monday, April 21, 2008

You don't have to be a dog lover...

DiSaronno Paparazzo


Spotted: (former) CNN journalist Richard Quest sitting on a street couch Saturday night, the day after his rather embarrassing arrest in Central Park for some breed of public auto erotic asphyxia. According to our spy, Mr. Quest was on the couch outside a gay bar in the East Village, looking sober and somber, conversing with a homeless person sitting next to him.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Overheard on Marcy Avenue


"Shut up! You will do what I say, as I say it!"

- woman to her baby in a stroller

Overheard in the Village

Yeah, I did her. Pre-soccer mom though. And a few times post.

Friday, April 18, 2008

New Edition - EureRETRO Friday

Sit back and enjoy this smooth groove. It's actually an american tune, but the commentary is in French, so it counts as European.



Not do they make your ears smile, these guys definitely have the midas touch when it comes to snazzy outfits. If you can find one, I recommend picking it up, that fad is heating up like a summer 2K8 reference. You heard it here first, on the DiSaronno Fashionista.

DiSaronno Fashionista: You might like the way you look, but I cannot guarantee it.

BRINGIN IT HOME FRIDAY

This week i'm eschewing european music in favor of some good ole rock'n'roll from all over america. Your tour begins in Florida, with the Jacuzzi Boys. You'll find a bit of that southern gothic a la the black lips:



On to Lincoln Nebraska and the Spread Eagles. You can count on two things intensity and tittehs



And finally, one that you'll actually like. Titus Andronicus, from neighboring Glen Rock New Jersey, and described variously as sounding like Wolf Parade, Black Lips, Exploding Hearts, Guided By Voices, "A cocaine-fuelled songwriting session between the Arcade Fire and the Libertines" (yuck) and the Thermals. The youtube video won't embed so you'll have to go directly to the youtube page to watch, though it's well worth it.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Eurelectro ThursdayNite/FridayMorn: Stereoheroes

Stereoheroes: ‘Washout’, ‘Boom Slang’ & ‘Fin Fang Foom’ at Missingtoof

Really, I cannot find anything wrong Stereoheroes. Dancey, ravey, electric, french... and on top of that, all of their songs are about comic book characters!

I highly recommend Fin Fang Foom:





and Moonknight:


Sorry I can't find lynx to the mp3s to share on the site, we're kind of behind in the technology, festering in our own crappy handling of this incestuous internest. It's like Vincent D'Onofrio in Men In Black: talent gone to waste on the same people who eat frittes instead of fries, wear oil instead of cook with it, and take drugs instead of sell them. Gomer Pyle, this is your rifle, this is your gun; take out these cockroaches and save the future of this earth from constant eons of mediocrity. Hypothetical: If one of the nine exhumed bodies died as a result of an assisted suicide, then yes, that's murder, and yes, I'd be duty-bound to prosecute.

Sigh...



The best rock'n'roll act out there. I can't believe I missed these guys twice, who knows if/when they'll be back to nyc.

Support The Lawyers


When the unemployment rate for lawyers is high, bloodshed is imminent. French, Cuban, American... you research any famous revolution and you'll find one thing for sure: unemployed lawyers were causing all the trouble.

Which is why lawsuits are good, even when they might seem antisocial or frivolous. So perhaps everyone should take a minute out of his and her days to check out SueEasy, where you can file a specific complaint with ease, or simply peruse various class action lawsuits to see if you're eligible for a piece of the pie. Maybe you've had a negative experience with craigslist?. Or maybe you're sick and tired of the old battle over the disparate number of hot dogs and buns per pack. If either of these suits succeed the participants will probably receive enough cash to buy at least two or three pieces of pie, and the lawyers involved will be too busy swimming in house-sized vaults full of cash to overthrow the government. So, get out there and bitch!

DiSaronno Paparazzo

Spotted Kim Cattrall at the Olafur Eliasson opening at the MOMA last night. This seasoned cougar was clearly on the prowl. In other news, Firebird just popped 17 boners upon reading the last sentence.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

DiSaronno Human Giant Watcher: There Wasn't a Best Human Giant Sketch Tonight :(

All of them were pretty mediocre, so I'll post a really funny sketch from the first season.



Also, tonight was apparently the season finale of Human Giant, which means that Season 2 was 2 episodes shorter than Season 1. Canceled?

Monday, April 14, 2008

DiSaronno Party Preview: Tall Bike Jousting

DiSaronno Blog is having a party, and you're invited! Make haste to [REDACTED], at which place there will be feats of strength performed ranging from the consumption of Di Saronno to the jousting atop the tall bicycles:

DiSaronno Fashionista: The Union Suit Edition

In this inaugural DiSaronno Fashionista post, we point you in the direction of a trend that is quickly heating up faster than summer posts about Summer '08 on this blog: the union suit.



As a testament to how popular this item is, note that this item is currently unavailable this amazon.com posting (this is probably due to the fact that so many people have ordered union suits that they have to ship more in from the Yukon and Pacific Northwest). So, if you can find another retailer that has one in stock, pick up a union suit as soon as possible. Your friends will all be jealous, curious, and furious that they didn't beat you to it (but don't worry, we won't tell them where you heard about this trend).
DiSaronno Fashionista: You may like the way you look, but I can't guarantee it.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sundays with Terrence: "The Thin Red Line" Quote of the Week

Dead Japanese Soldier (whose name we do not learn): "Are you righteous? Kind? Does your confidence lie in this? Are you loved by all? Know that I was, too. Do you imagine your sufferings will be less because you loved goodness? Truth?"

lE POUTEEN the fourth side project.

Time when I thought we knew the gulf.

we skate boarded through the sands I saw arms i cut off last night.

and then you pulled a glock. you scared me and my parents.

i forced them onto a boat and pushed it into the current.

i fired shots wildly in their direction

as they floated in the general direction of new jersey.

we put our t shirts and bombed the jersey shore and the sand blasted in waves of fireworks.

you asked me if we ever killed someone


you said no.

i said yes. i'm a dying breed.


We had a stack of cakes

to mull the situation over

and spiked that shit

with acid and the hostess

gave me a tender grin.

and recommended a little place

on bond street,

we smiled knowingly to each other.

i slipped a piece of metal

casing out of my rucksack;

you pulled out a handful

of screws and a fistful of c4.

we got in a cab.

And he said I'd rather have a birth borne babe off my grandmothers

we'd rather bleed to death than drive to Montreal.


Let's go to Montreal you piece of shit let's drive till the break of dawn.


i'd lived

We've got the end of the line.

i've blown the end of the line.

Friday, April 11, 2008

DiSaronno Papparrazzo



70% sure I saw him on Houston and Broadway around 6pm today.

Great Ad

http://www.rationalresponders.com/

FDA Concerned About Blow?!

"We go after the party crowd--you know, the edgy crowd--and they absolutely love Blow."

DiSaronno Concertgoer: Man Man

The Best Eurelectro Comes from Portland, Oregon...

...Not from the '80s



Glass Candy - "Digital Versacolor"

DiSaronno Paparazzo (Twink Edition)

I saw the guy who won project runway prancing down 4th street b/w 1st and 2nd yesterday at about 4:30 PM. Gabbing on the phone thinking he was All That!

DBlog Medical Journal

Rare ailments are always popping up and forcing us to update our own lexicon of diseases and disorders. Hopefully we can one day find a legal cure for this man's debilitating bout with heat rash:

EUROLECTRO VENDREDI EST ICI!!!

First up, from sunny Finland, I Was a Teenage Satan Worshipper:


And though it's neither euro nor 'lectric, here's Jay Reatard doing "My Shadow" because the man is a shit hot guitar player and a raging maniac.

Suddener Death?

Still no clear winner in the latest poll, as things cool back down.

At least things are heating up in this video, a continuation of Exotic 80s Friday:


DiSaronno Blog is A-Changin' it Up: '80s Music Friday!

In honour of yesterday's beautific weather, we present: Duran Duran's "Rio"

Thursday, April 10, 2008

DiSaronno Blog Poll: Sudden Death

The impossible has happened: three gums are tied for first in the standings of this weeks poll. I'm so excited I'm about to pee in my chair, only to fill my bladder up with coffee again so that my bladder whispers to myself again.

So, America, now is your time to help make history. In the first ever DiSaronno Blog Poll Sudden Death, you can vote for your favorite of the 3 tied gums:

1. Double Mint
2. Juicy Fruit
3. Big Red

In lieu of a new poll, you may cast your ballot in the comment section of this post. Vote early, vote often. Stay up all night voting for you favorite. We don't care how many votes each person gets. [Insert Florida voting joke here.]


OMG!!!!! Pets!!!! LOL!!!! :-)

Are you in need of a new pet? Do you like to visit websites that utilize IM, SMS, and Internet Chat shorthand abbreviations? If so, then check this out: RADICAL! Unfortunately, they only breed Silver Persian cats and Golden Retriever dogs right now, but due to the sheer popularity of the website, things will surely pick up quickly (read: I am sure they will eventually have a puppy for sale!).

The two can't miss features of the site are the Golden Retriever photo gallery and the theme music on the kitten page. Whatz new pussy cat! whoaaa whoaaa!

GTG, bye!

Baltimora: The Greatest City in America

"Tarzan Boy:" Part man, part child, raised by apes, born to dance.




Fun fact of the day: Baltimora's front man, Jimmy McShane, died of AIDS in 1995.

I'm the decider, and I say it didn't look good on that there coffin!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Overheard on The Google Chat

"...holy taco blogged a myth about [edited] getting 3 handjobs on the G train from 80 pound dudes?"

Work: hitting new lows every day.

Overheard on the Internets

"I love fiber cereal but moments like this are SO hazardous."

From the Vault

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

DiSaronno Human Giant Watcher: Last Night's Best Human Giant Sketch: Gas Guzzler

This was the best sketch from last night's Human Giant:

Stuff White People Like: The Blog "Stuff White People Like"

No need to post the link here. You all know the blog from forwarded emails and away messages, or perhaps from white culture expert firebird, who brought the phenomenon to the D way back in February (thanks to his sources in the Movement). And i'm sure you've all heard by now that the creator of this internet gem scored a sweet book deal and is basically living the dream.

Random House has made a good investment here, because if there's one thing white people like, it's a chance to make fun of themselves as a racial group. Actually, that's something Americans of all races enjoy. Think of all the "famous" comics (both good and bad) who capitalized on this: Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle, Russell Peters, Carlos Mencia, Larry the Cable Guy, to name a few. And I bet every single one of you, if your life depended on it, could rattle off 5 "You Might Be A Redneck If" jokes. But Stuff White People Like satirizes the other half, those who talk incessantly about their poodles, as opposed to those who have at some point been involved in a custody dispute over a hunting dog (a jeff foxworthy original, btw).

Thank you, Stuff White People Like. Now I can make jokes about race around my liberal, well-educated friends without that awkward silence. It's been a while, ever since I learned in college not to be racist and had to put away that Chris Rock routine every white kid in Ohio new by heart.

Hey, publishers, check out this hilarious shit:

Q: What do you call 15 white people you find randomly on the street?




A: Racist motherfuckers!

Earn Some Extra Cash


Spotted in Williamsburg (thanks to gowanus lounge). Am I a "healthy meth user"? Just look how spotless my apartment is.

Monday, April 7, 2008

DiSaronno Blog Poll: Gum Preference

The contest for the king of 80s icy fresh breath is heating up, just in time for summer. This is without a doubt the closest poll we have ever had; if you feel very strongly towards one of the gums, I highly recommend you tell your friends and family to vote now, before the polls close. To help the undecideds make up their minds, here are commercials from each gum:

Doublemint:



Juicy Fruit:



Big Red:



Extra:



Winterfresh:

DiSaronno Paparazzo (The Retroactive Edition)

Spotted: Jon Legend at the food court in LGA on 4/03/08 around 11:15am making mouth love to a panini.

It's Man Time

My kids are definitely going to Dartmouth.

That's What I Call Advertising

I just unearthed this youtube video of an actual add campaign for Corn Nuts that aired over the radio a few years ago in LA. Corn Nuts: teaching kids about masturbation one snack at a time!

Monday Morning Liveblogging

9:32am - Bursts into the office 2 minutes late. Offers no good morning. I thank god for this lack of forced interaction.

9:36am - Inquires via telephone with an accountant about an appointment. Seems perturbed about having to leave a message. My weekend diet of buffalo wings fills the air with a pleasant aroma. This day is starting well.

9:40am - Gratuitous use of speaker-phone. Horrible elevator music blaring in the background (imagine a mixture between a Yanni Christmas album and a fifth grade jazz band). Send death glare across partition and pray telephone explodes.



9:44am - Tax conversation continues. Uses the word annuitant in an attempt to sound educated. Forced to define the word when the representative doesn’t comprehend. Pretty sure her definition isn’t accurate.

9:45am - Suspicion confirmed via dictionary.com. I smile inside.

9:55-10:10am - Call Phoenix Doherty and speak really loudly about warm gin to disrupt her tax conversation. Grunts and death stares start to surface from the other side of the room. More internal smiles.

10:13am - Leaves the office to gab it up with the secretary. Yoga, diet, and salad talk. I try and shut the door to my office using only my mind. Can’t make the door budge . . .

10:14am - I close the door

10:14.35am - Door flung wildly open. I NEED PRETENTIOUS/GOURMET COFFEE NOW!



10:20 - 10:26am - Print out 30 pages of light reading for my morning bathroom experience. Contemplate taking a fresh cup of coffee with me . . .

10:45am - Buffalo aroma dispelled. Decide to get jacked-up on coffee to keep things interesting around the office.

1:15pm - Italian Wedding Soup. What the hell are these meatballs made of?

1:25pm - Why is the secretary sitting at my desk? "Would you like your chair back?" What the hell?

1:26-1:35pm - Tail end of a discussion about some shitty movie that seemed extra perplexing over the weekend. Major themes included alcoholism, nature, and the meaning of life. "It's like he comes to realize that even though nature is better, it's more savage. You know? Like maybe alcohol can make him happy, but maybe it doesn't?" I bet they're talking about a Chuck Norris film . . .

3:11pm - Secretary asks where Office Services is for the 16th time this month. Laughs like a whale getting stabbed when she realizes how ridiculous this routine is getting. Dear God, please make it to 5:30!

3:37pm - The word of the day is officially annuity. In other news, I just stabbed a pencil through my hand.

4:16pm - Way too liberal use of speaker-phone again. Someone get me a gun.

The Ginsu Experience



Thank you Ginsu!

As a bonus, here's the infomercial that started it all (worked on my parents):

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Sundays with Terrence: "The Thin Red Line" Quote of the Week for April Seven to April Thirteen



Private Edward P. Train: [voice over] Where is it that we were together? Who were you that I lived with? The brother. The friend. Darkness, light. Strife and love. Are they the workings of one mind? The features of the same face? Oh, my soul. Let me be in you now. Look out through my eyes. Look out at the things you made. All things shining.

Le Pousteeen VVII Partted six

We'd grabbed a cab and killed the cabbie because we had a glock and we had bullets.

my partner had a ____ and pasted it under the cab going by the known apartment


the guy, my partner said, how do you know these fools.

I don't know anyone except that one person that fled and had the nametag that I could read.

Oh yeah. you a big reader.

yeah. i like to read some proust in my spare time.

what do you like to read in your work time?

mostly the federal register and smut fuck magazine.

we're about to jet off to pyongyong and we're going to topple that government.


how about we make out first.

ok.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Eurelectro Friday - The Quieter Version

Youngstown, OH is Pretty Euro, And This is Pretty Electro

For Your Lunch Break

The DBlog is forecasting a delightful evening, despite the rain, at Supreme Trading tonight. Rumor has it the Rapture will be making a surprise appearance. RSVP for reduced tickets: rsvp@dbteproductions.com



"A long, long time ago... Chewbacca fucked Princess Leia and had a son."

I don't know, just write a caption.

DiSaronno Concertgoer: Crystal Castles



These are from Toronto, which is kinda euro, and they are beloved in the UK.

Eurelectro Friday - Continued

Sebastien Tellier's ode to Juicy Fruit and the Beach Boys, put to video:


Eurelectro Friday - Yuksek Version

How can you not like a song that blends Eurelectro with SI's finest Tony Starks, Ironman?

NSFW

Spank Rock & Benny Blanco - "Loose."

Eurolectro Friday ist hier!!

Best Fwends are from Texas, which is not in Europe.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

DiSaronno Poll: Favourite Summer Activity

Well, it was a nail biter this week. It looks like the Yellow Parrot King had to poll out all of his stops to ensure victory for his pastime of choice, but it worked. This week, my hearts do go out to those who voted for shuckin' oysters on the stoop. I too enjoy this activity very much, especially in the summer.
Well, the weather is getting warmer, the cities are beginning to wake up (only to be put to sleep again once people start a mass exodus to the luxurious Jersey shore). So before you head out there, make sure to pack your yellow parrots and tubes, because these two summer activities will be all the rage this year. I guarantee it.


Overheard on a Couch

"This doesn't qualify for an "overheard" piece, because I am saying it directly to you."

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

For the Ladies

It seems as though those crazy Japanese are at it again! No longer content with man's singular ability to pee while standing up, the makers of Super Pi Pi have no extended this wonderful joy to women everywhere. Oh you silly Japanese!! What will you think of next?

From Russia, With Lounge

Finally, something other than vodka [note: still second to gin] that comes from Russia and makes you feel good! Ozone Cocktail is a band that I am surprised have been around for so long and are still so obscure. Their diverse hybridized style leads one source to say "Ozone Cocktail is more than just a fruity elixir—a tasty blend of Amaretto, sweet & sour mix and a splash of beer and Sprite."

Amaretto? Sounds perfect for this blog's readers. New album recently out (see cover below).







Here's a bonus video for their song "Magnetic Power." Circus outfits for the band members? A 1950s microphone? Acrobats? What's not to like (besides when the acrobats screw up at the end)?


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

"Mommy WOW! I've got big tits now."



Winner will not be chosen until tomorrow. Enter today, brainstorm all night, check back in the morning to see if you win!

EDIT:

Runner up entry:

"What's your hottest sex fantasy?""Depends.""On what?""Preferably on an obese, bespectacled sack of shit like this guy.""Oh I get it. Yeah that's pretty hot."

For Your Lunch Break

For those interested in getting Lasik eye surgery, I recommend Dr. Lee Feldstein. I had my procedure done a couple weeks ago and everything went very smoothly. He is kind, professional, and Jewish.



And if that doesn't do it for you: JEWISH!!

What, You Couldn’t Let Fourth Grade Go?

This past weekend, I set about on a minor social experiment with Eugene Dick and Luigi DiSaronno to examine the Brooklyn hipster in its natural element. I found my tightest pair of jeans, made sure my shoes had enough holes in them, threw on the nappiest t-shirt I owned, and made sure I smelled sufficiently enough like shit before jumping on the L-train to Williamsburg to track a rare/pathetic breed, the elusive Brooklyn Kickballer. My fellow bloggers and I had heard rumors of an adult kickball league and sought entrance as a way to poke fun at these hapless pseudo-athletes trying to cling to any vestige of their youth. We thought it was going to be quite amusing . . . until we got there.

The local haunt for this sad-breed of humanoid was none other than the Turkey’s Nest, a neighborhood dive bar on North 12th and Bedford. To create an adequate mental picture, imagine high ceilings, a cosmopolitan mixture of dapper patrons, marble floors, courteous bartenders, and a bevy of exotic cocktails. Now throw out that mental image and picture the stench of stale beer, warped wooden floors, denizens dressed from the finest offerings at the local Goodwill Store, flat beer in Styrofoam cups, and the shittiest $6 margarita imaginable. Now fellow readers, I’m all for dive bars and consider myself no snob when it comes to getting drunk, but I usually prefer to have my drinking experiences devoid of dirty dogs trying to hump my legs and washed-up alcoholic has-beens that probably still live with their parents.

Ok, back to the topic. Eugene, Luigi, and I attempt to infiltrate this league to flex our inherent superiority over these grizzled 30-somethings. I approach the organizer, whom we shall call Kelvin Cock for anonymity purposes (think an unattractive Dave Attell (that has to be a paradox by the way)) who immediately takes me to the back of the bar where I think I will begin the registration process. False. Mr. Diamond starts into an incoherent rant (judging by the glossiness of his eyes and bits of Styrofoam caught in his man scruff, he had enjoyed more than his fair share of stale beer that evening) about the ethos of the league, the all-inclusive nature he is attempting to foster, and the community building he is trying to promote. Sounds great, inspirational, compelling. Then he tells me the league is full and that registration is finished. What the fuck? So I just wasted an hour and a half of my Sunday coming to this shitbox to listen to a rambling speech by a guy fellating himself over a kickall league? As a result, Eugene, Luigi, and I rolled out of the dingy nest truly bitter, with Luigi and Eugene contemplating bombing Williamsburg in much the same manner they had blown up Bond Street a few weeks earlier.

As a result, we here at the Dblog are now proposing an alternative to the Brooklyn Summer Kickball League. Instead of commuting over to Williamsburg every Sunday night, our faithful readership will now scour local elementary schoolyards throughout Manhattan on a daily basis looking for kids to push into puddles, administer swirlies to, and generally bully in an attempt to revisit the glory days of . . . 4th grade? We shall be an all-inclusive organization (excluding everyone older than 30, that smells/looks like a dumpster, and takes trivial things too seriously) with no registration window, no sign-up fees, and no rules. The only true pillar of our organization will be our motto: If you make a child cry, everyone wins. We have already begun actively recruiting through our sister-site and hope to expand our current enrollment to 1000 teams (though we may subject our maximum occupancy to arbitrary rules set on a whim depending on how drunk we get). Come one, come all and enjoy a summer of children’s tears, bruised kneecaps, toilet-soaked heads, and swollen egos. Who needs kickball, Brooklyn, Kelvin Cock, overcompensating for our unathletic youths, burgeoning alcoholism, and a general lack of hygiene? Exactly! I’d rather make a child weep sweet, sweet tears.

Product Review: The Quantum Sleeper

If you lie in bed at night worrying about: (1) a pending bio-chemical terrorist attack on your home; (2) rogue winter storm in the dead of July; (3) somebody touching your private parts while you sleep, then there is only one way to ensure a perfect slumber. Forget heavy drinking, prescription drugs, or sleepytime tea. You need the Quantum Sleeper.




With optional features like microwave, refrigerator, DVD/CD player, CB and shortwave radios, and a toiletry system, you may find that you'll never get out of bed again (but at least it won't be because somebody killed you!).

Drudge: Clinton Accepts VP Slot

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