Overheard on Marcy Avenue

"Shut up! You will do what I say, as I say it!"

- woman to her baby in a stroller

Overheard in the Village

Yeah, I did her. Pre-soccer mom though. And a few times post.

Overheard on The Google Chat

"...holy taco blogged a myth about [edited] getting 3 handjobs on the G train from 80 pound dudes?"

Work: hitting new lows every day.

Overheard on the Internets

"I love fiber cereal but moments like this are SO hazardous."

Overheard on a Couch

"This doesn't qualify for an "overheard" piece, because I am saying it directly to you."

Overhead Outside Schiller's, Summer 2K7

"Hey man, you got a light?



So you wanna hear a crazy story? February 1999, I go down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. That place is fucking dope. I get off the plane and head to my hotel and pick up some tree, you know, so I can smoke before I head over to my favorite blues bar. This Jamaican guy gives me a huge sack for about 40 bucks, I mean I'm talking about OUNCES! So I head to the bar, where I meet this smoking hot blonde, you know, and her father was this huge blues guy back in the day. Anyway, we're having a great time, getting to know each other. I'm sitting in the back balcony of the bar getting wrecked, you know, poppin' yellow parrots, smoking tubes. This girl asks if we can go back to my place, so we head over. She's rollin' up a BASEBALL bat of a spliff, and just then, [knock, knock, knock] the cops barge in! I toss my bag over the balcony, and it was almost empty anyway. The cop goes down to the lobby, finds the bag, and charges me with possession! So I get back to New York, I got this court hearing back in New Orleans, but I was going to get off, becuase you know why? My lawyer told me, they couldn't search my room! So I'm on the plane back to New Orleans a few months later, throwin' back vodka tonics, when the captain says the plane is having engine trouble and the flight is cancelled! I'm thinking, oh shit, I'm gonna miss my court date! So I get down to New Orleans the next day, and the judge hears me out. I got 10 days in jail to serve, but it was a delayed sentence or something. So yeah man, it was a great time. Hey, thanks for the light, enjoy your brunch!"

Overheard During a Pretentious Email Sequence

"That reminds me of this small island paradise in French Polynesia. It had the best fresh spring water I have ever tasted. I can no longer drink water."

Overhead in the Office Today

"[absolutely no conversation in the office today]"

Brooklyn Overheard, Smith Street "I'm-Gonna-Set-Your-Son-On-Fire" edition

"Remember when I flicked my cigarette into that baby stroller? HAHA"

-Yupster girl (The laugh was a passerby, me)

Overheard at in the LES

"Joe, are you serious?! GOD, I feel like im trying to explain trajectory motion to a mere child!"

Overheard at the Met

"Look, this looks like Star Wars, but black!"

Woman looking at a Comme de Garcons dress.

Overheard in Brooklyn

"I think about killing them all the time."
-Nanny pushing a stroller.

Just heard in the East Village

How did I just become devil's advocate for not washing your hands?

Pema "The Groin" McGuinness

Overheard at Work

I want to put that bitch in a bodybag.
-crazy coworker

yikes

Overheard in the Cafeteria

"Can I have the fajita plate with beef, cheese, and extra sour cream? By the way, I have very small hands."

- Tyko McGee, after ingesting 3 spice jars of nutmeg

Overheard in Ikea

"I like this... it looks so rustic AND it's cheaper!"

- girl about a metal bed frame.

"This looks like a room from a movie!"

- guy looking at the kitchen set up

"We need to get all of the same color candles. Otherwise it will look too decorative."

- woman buying decorative candles

"God bless New Jersey."

- nobody has ever said this

Overheard on Gchat

"Wow, this has made the internet fun again."

Overheard on the R Train this morning

"You said I could come to you if I had any questions. Where is the clitoris? On a website it says 'At the crest of the labia.' What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? My Uncle says it looks like a sausage casing."

overheard moments ago on 40th and 7th

"Yeah you're stupid and dumb. You probably like have clothes and shower. Just live off the land bro."