Liveblogging: Securities Regulation Class

took me the whole 2 hours to draw this badboy on the inside cover of my textbook. It's called "late night duck."

Liveblogging From Work - Phoenix Edition

10:02 AM: Get 3 phone calls at once. Wish I could just transfer one caller to talk to the others.

10:07 AM: Make the mistake of calling one of the most annoying employees at my company to ask a favor. The favor comes at a price.

10:08 AM: Said employee enters my office and tells me what he's having for lunch. "Beef hearts." Beef hearts? "They're beans now but they'll be farts later!" That's quite a 1950's style knee slapper.

10:22 AM: Head up go good ol' Staff Appreciation Day. Continental breakfast is served (employee asks me which continent). I inform him that the breakfast will probably consist of pasteries and fresh fruit. I am correct. Receive a Staff Appreciation Day gift of a tote and an umbrella. The umbrella is The Gift for Staff Appreciation Day 2K8.

10:51 AM: Enough fun, I am going for a smoke.

LiveBlogging the Workspace

Secretary: "What do you think of this shirt? I think it's a little too shear."

Co-worker: "Yeah, I can see your bra. I have a medium-toned one on today."

S: "Oh yeah? Do you mind changing with me?"

C: "Absolutely not. What size are you?"

S: Incoherent mumbling because she realized I started paying attention

C: "Cool, let's go switch."

Me: I wonder if my boss wants to switch boxer-briefs with me? Mine are a little moist at the moment and my undercarriage is a bit raw after those wings last night. I better not ask . . .

Monday Morning Liveblogging

9:32am - Bursts into the office 2 minutes late. Offers no good morning. I thank god for this lack of forced interaction.

9:36am - Inquires via telephone with an accountant about an appointment. Seems perturbed about having to leave a message. My weekend diet of buffalo wings fills the air with a pleasant aroma. This day is starting well.

9:40am - Gratuitous use of speaker-phone. Horrible elevator music blaring in the background (imagine a mixture between a Yanni Christmas album and a fifth grade jazz band). Send death glare across partition and pray telephone explodes.



9:44am - Tax conversation continues. Uses the word annuitant in an attempt to sound educated. Forced to define the word when the representative doesn’t comprehend. Pretty sure her definition isn’t accurate.

9:45am - Suspicion confirmed via dictionary.com. I smile inside.

9:55-10:10am - Call Phoenix Doherty and speak really loudly about warm gin to disrupt her tax conversation. Grunts and death stares start to surface from the other side of the room. More internal smiles.

10:13am - Leaves the office to gab it up with the secretary. Yoga, diet, and salad talk. I try and shut the door to my office using only my mind. Can’t make the door budge . . .

10:14am - I close the door

10:14.35am - Door flung wildly open. I NEED PRETENTIOUS/GOURMET COFFEE NOW!



10:20 - 10:26am - Print out 30 pages of light reading for my morning bathroom experience. Contemplate taking a fresh cup of coffee with me . . .

10:45am - Buffalo aroma dispelled. Decide to get jacked-up on coffee to keep things interesting around the office.

1:15pm - Italian Wedding Soup. What the hell are these meatballs made of?

1:25pm - Why is the secretary sitting at my desk? "Would you like your chair back?" What the hell?

1:26-1:35pm - Tail end of a discussion about some shitty movie that seemed extra perplexing over the weekend. Major themes included alcoholism, nature, and the meaning of life. "It's like he comes to realize that even though nature is better, it's more savage. You know? Like maybe alcohol can make him happy, but maybe it doesn't?" I bet they're talking about a Chuck Norris film . . .

3:11pm - Secretary asks where Office Services is for the 16th time this month. Laughs like a whale getting stabbed when she realizes how ridiculous this routine is getting. Dear God, please make it to 5:30!

3:37pm - The word of the day is officially annuity. In other news, I just stabbed a pencil through my hand.

4:16pm - Way too liberal use of speaker-phone again. Someone get me a gun.

Livewestcoastphotoblogging Part II: Napa Valley Has Vines, Sheep, Gyrocopters

[click to enlarge]

Livewestcoastphotoblogging Part I: The Bus Yard

Does this not fill you with a sense of awe?

Live-Blogging Experiment

I was really bored yesterday afternoon, so I decided to start keeping a log of what my co-workers do during the day. This case study has proved utterly fascinating. Enjoy and check back for periodic updates:

3/11/08

2:00-2:35 pm - Office-mate talking with new secretary (lots of laughter so they’re probably discussing salads)

3:15 pm - I inform her that 1 in 4 teenage American girls have an STD. Go on to say that everyone has a trace of herpes in their systems. She boldly states she has no herpes, then stares out the window in a reflective manner. I inquire no further.

4:17 pm - “I need chocolate right now. I have to have chocolate right now.”

4:35 pm - return from chocolate excursion with secretary (appears content)




3/12/08

10:15-10:20 am - Orders gift basket for friend that works at Deutsche Bank. Makes sure to over-pronounce Deutsche. Asks for a small basket because she apparently received a similar one herself on Valentines Day, and it was too much. Caramel Creams discussed. “That was almost too much treats for me.” (hold in laughter and poop my pants a little bit)


10:40 am - I blow my nose really loud. I’m met with an immediate death glare.

10:55 am - Makes a comment about my second cup of coffee of the morning. I pray the caffeine will kill me.



11:20 - 11:53 am - Pep talk from my boss. Talk about heat, natural gas, and air-conditioning. HVAC is used repeatedly. Transition to basketball jargon and personal health/fitness. Co-worker remains quiet for 15 minutes. She pipes in about yoga to confirm that she is very athletic. I tell her I only run when I’m afraid. Boss laughs, she doesn’t.



12:01 pm - Calls local deli to inquire about what soups are on the menu today. Says “ok” and “mmhmm” after every soup is named (12 times). Immediately goes to inform secretary of her new knowledge. Secretary is excited!! (I’m secretly intrigued by what soups are on the menu. Stab my thigh with a pencil to make the thought go away).

12:56 pm - Arabic guy brings me some papers. He smells like Drakkar Noir. I'm intrigued.

1:14 pm - Loud crunching coming from the other side of the partition. I think someone's eating a cookie. Oh no, that'll be HOURS on the elliptical to work off!!

1:32 pm - Awkward elevator conversation with random woman from my floor. "Well, we don't have a governor anymore" (really loud at first but then trailing off into a whisper). five second pause "Yeah, I can't believe it." five second pause "He will be missed."

2:15 pm - everyone obtaining a marriage certificate is either completely over-dressed or under-dressed. Think prom dress or tracksuit.

2:45 pm - hey look, a rat in the Canal Street subway station

2:47 pm - wow, that's a full used diaper on the subway platform. Great!

4:07 pm - forwarded an article about a woman who sat on a toilet for 2 years. Amused and EXCITED! Office-mate talking with secretary again. I assume topic pertains to something feminine, like an itch

5:23 pm - have a loud cellular telephone conversation with a close friendo. Office-mate seems perturbed I didn't send out the last work-related email. I contemplate growing a moustache momentarily but then denounce the idea as ludicrous in the present moment. Maybe this summer. Maybe

Dance or Die

Last night a few of the boys were able to get out and show our support for the American debut of Yelle. After a few shots of gin, a few high lifes, an order of fish and chips and a half bbq pulled duck sandwich later, I finally reflected upon how utterly spectacular this concert was. With the help of Luigi and Kerri, I will now attempt something no one has ever bothered to try before: retrospective live blogging. The concert went something like this:

6:44 P.M. - Arrive at Welcome to the Johnsons, give my ipod to the bartender to play for the entire bar. Sit next to a gentleman with an amazing mustache.

7:38 P.M. - Arrive at my apartment, get ready for the show (i.e. put on the most hipsterish outfit I own).

8:32 P.M. - After squeezing into my jeans, we squeeze into an equally tight cab. Cab driver, amazingly enough, speaks perfect english, and even suggests a shortcut that works to get us there faster.

8:46 P.M. - We arrive at the show. Kap10kurt is about to perform. They perform and it is pretty awsome. The venue does not have DiSaronno, so Luigi is forced to pour warm gin into his throat. Kerri joins in the fun.

9:52 - P.M. Anticipation is mounting for Yelle. Now there no space left anywhere, and there are a lot of people that do not appreciate me carrying 4 PBRs with me. It's 92 degrees and I still have my jacket and scarf on. I take off my scarf, never to see it again (Alexis, I lost it. It was NOT good looking out on my part).

10:01 - P.M. Silence. Then all of a sudden, Yelle jumps out on stage and starts singing Tristese Joie. The peasants rejoice. If you don't like her then you probably don't like life.

10:40 P.M. - It's hot as fuck in here. Don't know how much longer I can be in the front row. I snap a picture from my phone for good luck and head to get a cup of ice to rub over my face.

10:52 P.M. - I think there was shot of tequila sometime around here.

11:29 P.M. - Start heading out of the show. Decide to get a midnight snack at Grace (see the food items listed at the top of this post). Delicious.

Live Blogging From Work

This is not nearly as entertaining when pictures and TV are not involved.

10:38 A.M. - Go to the printer to pick up a print job. I'm kind of chilly.

10:52 A.M. - I need to go to the bathroom. I finally put on my dress shoes.

11:02 A.M. - Coworker closes door to his office so that he can change out of his jeans.

11:08 A.M. - Watch this homemade video, and wish it were as good as the song:



11:14 A.M. - Turn an offer to go for a walk outside. It's freezing out there.

11:15 A.M. - Converse with Mark Gastineau.

11:16 A.M. - Conference call with Tyko McGee.

11:19 A.M. - Stop live blogging.

Livephotoblogging Def Comedy Jam

It's like watching TV on your internets!

This guy made a joke about dogs.



This guy made a joke about phones.



This guy made a joke about how he looks like "a broke ass Lenny Kravitz," and he attributed his low number of "white people jokes" to his childhood spent in Denver, Colorado, where there are many white people.



This guy loves LA but not Chicago winters.



Here's a photo of D.L. Hughley and Russel Simmons:

Livephotoblogging Fashion Week

dont know about u but i'm having a MARVELOUS time at fashion week... gtg catch the next show, more later!

-- Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry

Liveblogging the State of the Union

This summary of the speech pretty much sums things up: the union has a state, and that state is fucking great! Highlights of this riveting event are in bold.



9:09 - Long standing ovation coming to a close. I'm reading a magazine.

9:13 - Something about saving the economy by giving people $600.

9:14 - Heinous joke about taxes. Everybody on the right side of the aisle clearly fucks farm animals.

9:17 - Bush plans to balance the budget by vetoing earmarks and telling the executive branch to ignore actions by the legislative.

9:18 - Still nothing about steroids although there's something about housing.

9:19 - Hillary Clinton approves of what Bush is saying. Obama does not.

9:19 - Bush blames health care problem on victims of malpractice.

9:20 - Camera operator just fucked up.

9:21 - Bush promises to fund private religious schools. Christ smiles upon him.

9:24 - Free trade agreements will save us all from Chavez.

9:25 - Your job is outsourced? We'll teach you some bullshit. Clean energy.

9:26 - Fat old guy is falling asleep. Bush wants to invest in "nuke-u-lur" power.

9:28 - Everybody is clapping for more science.

9:29 - New stem cell research good. Old stem cell research bad (kills babies).

9:30 - Bush wants to ban human cloning. Bush pissed that his judges can't get through.

9:31 - Bush wants to fund more churches.

9:32 - Bush plans to respond to Hurricane "Katrina," which has apparently negatively affected New Orleans.

9:33 - Bush proposes Social Security reform at State of the Union speech.

9:35 - Bush inspired by liberated Iraq.

9:36 - Plans to fight "evil men" and terr'sts.

9:37 - More discussion of the motivation of terr'sts, which is their opposition to our message of hope and freedom.

9:38 - Increasing troop levels in Afghanistan will enable us to fight the terr'sts.

9:39 - Terr'sts also in Iraq. We plan to deny them sanctuary. Iraqis rejoice.

9:40 - Whole room claps for our troops.

9:41 - Sunni militias now our friends, fighting terr'sts.

This speech is awful.

9:42 - Joe Biden: lookin' good.

9:43 - Defeating militias = important. Terr'sts agree that the surge is working.

9:46 - Troops ain't cheap. Bush withdrawing them from Iraq.

9:47 - But withdrawal will not be 2 fast (or 2 furious).

9:49 - Free Iraq!

This article about avoiding office faux pas is more interesting.

9:51 - Condi looks skeptical about Bush brokering Israeli-Palestinian peace.

9:52 - Iranian population "talented." Iranian regime better stop their "nuke-u-lur" program or we'll do something about it!

9:53 - No terrorists attacks because we listen to your phone calls. Dubious claims about averted terrorist attacks.

9:55 - We need to keep listening to your phone calls or terr'sts will kill you. Also, phone companies that illegally spied on you best not get sued.

9:56 - Bush opposed to genocide, mentions Sudan once. Also, Cuba (?).

9:58 - Americans are a "compassionate people" because of our "faith."

10:00 - Started playing Sufjan Stevens on iTunes.

10:01 - Bush gives a lesson in constitutional history.

10:02 - "GOD BLESS AMeRiCA!!!!!!!!!!"