Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Keep on trucking with the poll

Come on you fux, start voting, there are only 58 days left to finalize how your daily commute makes you feel!

I bet your daily commute could be a lot worse. You could be a man/woman on the move, with no set commute, just a traveling salesman selling your snake oil to the unsuspecting disaronno addicts. Make a nickel how you can, then say goodbye, promise to write, and throw on a pair of shades so that the same old town doesn't see the misty buildup in your eye. It could be that every time you bid your adieu, you feel like a decrepit, forgotten low-budget recording of a sad sad song.

I bet in a few years, if you try to settle down on the road, your commute could get very exciting. Become a trucker, so that you bring your home with you, wherever you go. Who needs a house when you have a good hammock in the back of trailer? All you need is the good hammock in the back of the trailer for good your lady, a gas station that sells 5 hour energy (or the good stuff if it were pre-1970). You power through, because no one can stop you, and your blood courses thicker than a mere mortal. Your veins may be popping out of your neck, but who gives a shit, because they are filled with blue gold (and your arteries red gold, and you know that because in Sassafras Falls there was a pharmacist that explained the difference to you). And you don't care that your truck is on fire, going 90mph the wrong way down a one-way street, because you are powering through on the night train:

And then you're all grown up. It's the 1980s, and you are flying high, both pharmacologically and financially, and you don't give a shit because you don't commute; people commute to you. And then you meet someone special that you care about. You woo her. And then all of a sudden something bad goes down, not with her, but with farmacological phinance. You have to put down your White Horse on the rocks with a chaser of white horse, you roll up the sleeves to your silk azure armani, and you say fuck this; it's time to pull out the shotgun and put a hole in someone's chest. You consigliere, a meathead named Biff from Fort Lauderdale, drives up in a mustang, top down, and you head to the office. And then things don't go too well. You sit back down in the car, while Biff speeds away, and your lap slowly accumulates a puddle of blood. Biff screeches around corners, fuck youing and shtting at every corner, and you are silent, and the hourglass of fate pours blood from your once blue veins (and red arteries) into Biff's mustang. It's then that you wonder. Who's going to drive you home tonight? Where is home?

In conclusion, I bet your commute could be worse.

Friday, December 25, 2009


something's wrong with blogger & posting photos properly.
i would support a move to tumblr or wordpress...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

DiSaronno Nostradamus: WTF is Goin' On in Two Kay Ten???

Some photogs of wtf to expect in the yr ahead:

In short, our prediction was totally fully correct.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


A Christmas Story

Time: 8:30PM on a recent Friday night
Place: a southern suburban college town

I was extremely excited for my night out on the town with my girlfriend. The destination? Target. Before this endeavor, we ate at our favorite strip mall Mexican place, the $2 Corona Light special convincing me that oxygen was still worth inhaling. What was the objective of our excursion to this big box retail locale on a Friday night? I needed to pick up a few things. Most importantly, I was out of Duraflame logs for my fireplace- however I did want to compare the burn time on the Duraflame to the burn time on the much more reasonably priced store brand. I also needed to get some soap. And condoms (boo-yah!). And some asparagus - it was on sale. After spending 23 minutes in the dog toy aisle looking for dog toys that squeaked in a manner that would appeal to my girlfriend's dog's fastidious auditory preferences, I decided to make a break for it and check out the egg nog selection. I was excited about this. It's Christmas, and nothing gets me more in the mood to celebrate Jesus's knocked up mom ejecting him from her uterus than egg yolks, cream, sugar, and Evan Williams. With egg nog, Duraflame logs, and $15 dog toys in tow, we made our way to the car and then home. The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock was waiting for us. But it was going to be a good night, for I had, in my haste, forgotten to buy condoms... The end.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

Top Ten Tru Amerikan Hyros of 2k9

(listed by: name, reason for fame, reason for award of hero status)

10. You - u were Time mag's Person of the Year in 2006, & tho u've gotten older & fatter, u continue 2 incessantly twitter & photograph ur drunk friends & whatnot - 4 twittering, etc. (u r lucky 2 get 10)

9. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - noted public speaker & sorta-Prez - 4 not being a sore loser

8. iPhone - there's an app 4 it - 4 doing all kinds of shit every time u pay it $1.99.

7. Snooki - guidette - 4 best gif evar

6. Tiger Woods - noted Lothario - 4 doing playing ex-Arthur Anderson like fierce combo of Don Juan & DOJ

5. The Recession - economic phenomenon - for being "kind of a big deal"

4. Skins - show on tele - 4 trailer

3. Winnie the Pooh - pooh bear - 4 tryin' 2 get that honey (lol @ tiger woods, professional golfer, was runner up in this category!!!)

2. Lady Gaga - songstress - 4 costumes

1. Bad Halloween Lady Gaga Costume-bearers - half of girls, a quarter of guys - 4 being the bearer of bad costumes.

We're Back

Look out world, because 2010 is going to be the year of the D!