Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Would you rather

Eat your entire arm while it's still attached to your body, or consume nothing but poop for an entire year?

the end of an era

Everyone observe a moment of silence today for the passing of Robert Goulet. The "big-voiced baritone" was 73.

Disclaimer: Robert Goulet should not be confused with
Robert Loggia (another equally big-voiced man who may or may not be still alive . . .)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

no songs ever made me cry before these . . .

Night man,
Sneaky and mean
Spider inside my dreams
I think I love you
You make me wanna cry, you make me wanna die
I love you, I love you , I love you , I love you, I love you.
Night Man
Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms
You pin me down down and I try to fight you
you come inside me and fill me up…

Just two men sharing the night
It might seem wrong but it’s just right
It’s just two men sharing each other
It’s just two men like loving brothers
One on top, and one on bottom
One inside, and one is out
One is screaming he’s so happy
he other’s screaming a passionate shout
It’s the Night Man
the feeling so wrong it’s right man
the feeling so wrong…
I can’t fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down your strong hands and I’ll become the Night….the passionate, passionate Night Man.

They took you Night Man
and you don’t belong to them
They left me in a world of darkness
without your sexy hands
and I miss you Night Man
so bad.

Day Man!
Day Man
Fighter of the Night Man
Champion of the Sun
Master of Karate
and friendship for everyone.

Would you rather . . .

Not have sex for a year or let your significant other pee in your mouth every time before intercourse?

What do I care, I invented baseball anyway

I was once on a cross country flight back in the early 90's with former baseball player Wade Boggs. We were sharing the merits of our respective trades over a few choice drinks while settling in for the multi-hour flight. He was know for hitting a ball with a piece of wood, while I spent my time trying to rob people by willing myself invisible when I wasn't busy writing my future hit TV sitcom (it was the early 90's after all . . . remember Wings?).

Now good old Wade liked to toss back an MGD every now or then, and I was never the shy type when a bottle of Disaronno found its way under my lips. When we were well about an hour into our trip (I think Wade had polished off about 35 beers and I was far too deep into my third bottle of the D), things started to get heated. We figured a friendly wrestling match in the aisle was the only way to settle it, but good old Boggsy just couldn't play fair. The whole thing ended rather messy actually, as I got a plastic fork jabbed into my armpit and Boggs decided he wanted to strip off his clothes and fly the plane.

After 20 minutes jamming the plane into repeated nose-dives, Boggs decided to settle down and order another round of drinks (i.e. 30 beers) while the flight attendant proceeded to dress him. Now Wade wasn't much for conversation after having a couple more drinks, so I decided to tell him about my sitcom idea. I liked to think of it as a "classical hybrid." I told him the pitch would be something like "The Odd Couple meets Ichabod Crane." Of course, this idea was met with a slurring of words as Boggs grabbed my shirt and demanded a box of Slim Jims. After convincing him that I possessed no deliciously dehydrated meats on my person, I continued on with the plot line of the pilot:

A single, middle-aged man named Millard is driving his cream colored Toyota Prius down a deserted country road when all of a sudden a deer jumps in front of his car. Screaming in terror at the thought of scratching his beautiful motor coach, he slams on his breaks only to hear a loud thud and subsequent crash come from the back of his automobile. Whipping around suddenly in his bucket-seat, Millard spies none other than a flaming pumpkin head screaming, "Motherfucker you stopped SHORT!!!" Indeed, Millard had just been rearended by the Headless Horseman. Now, Millard wanted to avoid any confrontation since he was in fact only an accountant at the local H&R Block without secure financial standing. As he began to apologize and attempted to sort through insurance numbers and contact information, the Headless Horseman was having none of it, screaming at his horse, "JEROME!!! You believe this!?! Get your ass over here and come get my head. MY HEAD!!" At this juncture, Millard began to feel a bit of remorse for his headless acquaintance as Jerome galloped forward. Nevertheless, the Prius was a company car, so Millard began to inquire about insurance coverage and liability for the accident. Fruitlessly trying to put the Horseman's head back on his body, Jerome was having a difficult time when the flaming head shouted, "INSURANCE! I'm a FUCKING PUMPKIN!!" Needless to say there would be no sound solution to this dilemma, so Millard and the Horseman - who would later reveal his name to be Eugene - decided to move in together, with Eugene and Jerome performing odd jobs around Millard's duplex to pay for the damage to the car. THE END

Satisfied with my tale, I sat back in my chair to see what Boggs had to say. Apparently he had already passed out after finishing the remainder of his MGD's, but not before carving in his forearm, "That was an episode of Seinfeld." Completely disheartened by this revelation, I ditched the show idea once we made it out west. Luckily, I ran into my good friend Ted Jackson and we quickly went into business together selling used cars until a very unfortunate accident.

Fall Diet

Our good friend Mark Gastineau tried the DiSaronno diet and look what it did for him!

DiSaronno Winter 07-08

Get ready people! As the pretty orange leaves dance to the sidewalk so we can crunch them with our mocassins and boots, the air is becoming crispier than a beef taco on a warm dry day. You know what that means: time to put away the blender. Those gooey drinx we all loved during the summer just don't have a place in my heart during these cold approaching months! After taking a brief vacation from DiSaronno, I am sure we are all very excited to curl up under our favorite blanket, turn on Deal or No Deal and indulllllllllllllllllllge in a delicious DiSaronno Sour. If you've become bored with some of the standard DiSaronno cocktails, I have pasted a few of my favorites:

Disaronno Choco Latte

1 Shot DiSaronno
2 Teaspoons Cocoa Powder
1 Shot Strong Black Coffee
Top up Milk

Method: Place the cocoa powder in the glass and pour on top the Disaronno Amaretto and coffee and mix. Top up with hot milk.
Additional notes: Use 2 heaped teaspoons of sweet cocoa powder for best results.
Garnish: Lightly whipped cream
Type/Flavour: Coffee
Glass: Tumbler
Difficulty: Easy

Italian Breeze

1 Shot White Rum
1 Shot Disaronno Amaretto
0.5 Shot Pineapple Juice
0.5 Shot Cranberry Juice

Method: Mix all ingredients together in a shaker. Serve over ice in a tumbler glass. Garnish with a slice of pineapple if desired.
Garnish: Slice of pineapple
Type/Flavour: Fruity
Glass: Tumbler
Difficulty: Easy


1 Dash Angostura Bitters
0.5 Shot Disaronno Amaretto
1 Shot Noilly Prat Dry

Method: Shake all ingredients together and pour into a tumbler glass filled with ice cubes. Garnish with a lemon twist – and a cherry if desired.
Garnish: Lemon Twist
Type/Flavour: Sour
Glass: Tumbler
Difficulty: Easy

PS. I Love You

0.75 Shot Woods 100 Dark Rum
1.25 Shots Disaronno Amaretto
0.75 Shot Kahlua
1.25 Shots Amarula Cream
1 Shot Double Cream

Method: Shake all ingredients together with ice in a cocktail shaker. Fine strain into a chilled Martini glass. Garnish with sprinkles of flaked chocolate.
Garnish: Sprinkles of flaked chocolate
Type/Flavour: Creamy
Glass: Martini
Difficulty: Easy