Monday, February 11, 2008

FutureDeaths/ThugSounds

2008 marks not only the second leap year of the third millenium anno disaronno, the year the Great Black Hope Barrack Obama won his second Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album (which in my humble opinon should count as at least fifty electoral college votes), but also the fifth and final season of the best and baddest television series ever, The Wire. For anyone who feels the need to get pumped, even though this last season is sadly already more than half over, check out the official HBO trailer for Season 5. In keeping with the show's unapologetic investigation into the ups and downs (mostly downs) of inner city drug trafficking, and perhaps in honor of Barack Obama's (less than) sparkly teenage years, or coincidentally Amy Winehouse's triumphant Grammy sweep in absentia, or some of Disaronno Blog members' favorite weekend vice, whoever put together this exhilarating video chose to use Duran Duran's bitchin' cover of "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash. If this trailer does not make you even a little bit hard, you are doing too much of the rock n' rolla cola ("so don't do it!").

Without further ado, here are Le Mongoose's predictions for what will happen by the final season's season finale. Not all of these predictions are serious. Feel free to post colorful commentary.
  • The long and winding friendship between Detectives Jimmy McNulty and Bunk Moreland will reach a breaking point, but one of them will die in the line of duty before either of them can reconcile his moral differences with the other.
  • Bubbles will relapse, overdose, and become the symbolic rotten cherry atop the Sunday evening comedown that is The Wire.

  • Baltimore Sun journalist Scott Templeton will be caught for his unethical bullshit. But that won't change anything.

  • Michael will be killed on his corner by someone hired by his spiteful heroin-addicted mother; as a direct consequence, Duquan will transform into a ruthless killer. Either that, or Duquan will start using.

  • Hopeful Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mayor Tommy Carcetti will get it on adulterously with City Council President Narese Campbell. Cop-turned-private investigator Herc will catch them with their pants down.

  • Acting Police Commissioner Bill Rawls will finally be shown engaging in homosexual activity off-duty. Herc will catch him with his pants down.

  • The once-puckish now-hardened Randy Wagstaff will meet, or at least catch a whiff of his birth father, quite possibly Method Man's character Melvin "Cheese" Wagstaff.


  • Homicide cop-turned-math teacher Roland "Prez" Pryzbylewski will make a cameo and be instrumental in deciphering Marlo Stanfield's clandestine clockwork communications with Spiros Vandos.

  • D'Angelo Barksdale will return from the dead and gun down all of East Baltimore.

  • Stringer Bell will also return from the dead and arrange for D'Angelo Barksdale to be murdered. Again.

  • Detective Kima Greggs will hit on Snoop at a gay bar.

  • Reformed gangster/boxing coach Dennis "Cutty" Wise will somehow get into a fistfight with amoral scumbag attorney Maurice Levy and knock him out. (God, please let this happen.)

  • Wee-Bey Brice will escape from prison and scare everyone shitless with his glare.
  • OMAR LITTLE WILL RAPE MARLO STANFIELD. Literally or figuratively, either would be cathartic.

  • Brother Mouzone will return to Baltimore from New York City and stoically watch Omar rape Marlo while quoting some witty columnist from Harper's.

  • Upon hearing of Marlo's sodomization by Omar, Chris and Snoop will learn the error of their ways, give up on the violence of street life, and start a "Cold-Blooded Hitmen Anonymous" support group with the help of Walon. And then they will put out a Kirk Franklin-style album that will win the Grammy for Best Record of the Year.

6 comments:

Constructive Criticism said...

your posts are far too lengthy

Blunt said...

I would have read this post if I it weren't a book

Jordan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
any colour you like said...

red, green, yellow, violet, mustard, french blue, sienna, peach, rose, indigo, and lavender

Yes We Can said...

you are so smart and brilliant. if your sperm is viable, i would like to have your babies.

you suck said...

typical lame blogger. no one cares about your inane rants and analysis about life's most mundane things. most of your predictions (your serious ones) were wrong anyway. go be another post on the stuffwhitepeople like blog, you lame blogger.