Due to the popularity of his letter, our dedicated fan Tyko McGee has agreed to share portions of his upcoming autobiography through our website. We will feature excerpts on a weekly basis. This first installment comes from early on in Tyko's life, when he was still struggling to find his true identity. I hope you enjoy it.
"It was the summer of '73; free love was growing up and facing the growing pains of a failed marriage. I was still a young boy, confused, disillusioned, and full of general guff. I was in desperate need of some tangible discipline, direction, and body shaping. Crazy thoughts crowded my mind: who is Professor McGonagal? What are kids? What is a dog? During the depths of a particularly tumultuous jenkem experience, I happened upon a sign: "Lieutenant Loveboops Wants YOU... to join his traveling circus." Normally, I would not think twice about such a sign, but the vicious fecal fumes in my head made it impossible to ignore. I instantly enrolled, hoping that this was the wake up call I so very badly needed.
My first week under Loveboops' tutelage was a harrowing experience. The nightly calisthenics drills and overall rigor of training made me falter at times. But, in the end, it was worth it: the job gave me 3 square meals a day, and a cot to rest my barking dogs. But I was so alone, day after day after night. After the first two weeks, I finally made my first friend, a rotund chap by the name of Doheny Jones, who had travelled in all the way from Pennsylvania to join the diving team. The two of us would secretly escape at night to indulge in our two hidden indulgences: crispy tacos and gooey blender drinks. This made my earlier tough spots fade into oblivion, until one fateful night. As Doheny and I were about to make our nightly escape, Lietenant Loveboops caught us. He was livid!
"Please sir, calm down!" I tried to calm him down.
"Lieutenant Loveboops gives the orders around here you scallywag maggots!"
I could tell that we were really in for it now. But, it turned out not to be as bad as I thought. Our mentor ended up admitting to us that he had a similar taste for tacos, but told us never to escape again."
Dictated, but not proofread, by Tyko McGee.
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