Morning Cup of Feces

Once upon a time, in an age long ago (roughly the year 1977), a good friend of mine went for walk. His name was Fereidoun M. Esfandiary, but you can call him FM-2030. During his walk, he happened upon an enchanted lake, so he sat down on a boulder and pondered his present situation. As FM-2030 was a futurist, his present situation happened to be in the year 2162 at that moment. The world was in turmoil, and a lot of people were very sad.

Thinking of things like this made FM-2030 want to forget all of the problems in his current time in the future, so he decided to travel to the past, to the year 1995 and introduce a few troubled youths to one of his favorite future pastimes, jenkem.

Deep in the backwoods of New Jersey, he stumbled upon a not-so-ragtag group of hooligans that looked to be up to anything but good. They were dressed in crisply pressed flashy dress shirts, with their chests shaved to make room for thin gold chains. The chains glistened and sparkled in the sunlight, as did their spray tan chests and produced hair. They wore lightly tinted sunglasses, presumably so that they could keep them on indoors. When they saw FM-2030, they began to yell various epithets and threats at him:

"What the fuck are you looking at!"

"Fucking skank!"

"Check out my new fucking haircut!"

"Go get me some more fucking protein!"

As their shouts grew more aggressive, FM-2030 grew more upset with their behavior. Just then he had a thought of tolerance and forgiveness; maybe he could mend the ways of these youths by taking them on an enlightening experience!

He decided that he would be friendly to the Hair Product Five (as they later came to be known). He humbly walked up and introduced himself by his full name.

"What the fuck is that shit? What kind of fucking name is that?!" He decided to give them his taken name, FM-2030. They liked this more. "Alright! You got a cool nickname with numbers and letters in it! You can hang out with us! Come on, we're going to the club to grind on girls and drink Jaeger bombs. It's gonna be fucking awesome!"

FM-2030 suggested they try Jenkem; at first the Hair Product Five was hesitant, as they did not want to taste their own feces. So, FM-2030 had to use his Boolean logic to trick them into trying it.

"Now I get it!" exclaimed one of the Hair Product Five. "FM-2030, I'll never doubt you again. Come on guys, let's go take shits and piss into jars, then let the contents ferment!"

They all reunited a few days later with their excrement releasing gas into balloons. FM-2030 couldn't wait to show them what to do next.

[Events omitted for our younger readers]

Once they were all tripping on Jenkem, FM-2030 told them a story about a wrestler from the past, Macho Man Randy Savage. He explained how Macho Man had been too self-involved and in love with his own image, and how this led to his downfall against the Ultimate Warrior.

"And that's why you shouldn't spend so much time shaving your chest, putting on chains, gelling your hair, putting on sunglasses that you wear indoors/at night, pressing your jeans and dress shirts, eating protein shakes, taking steroids, drinking Jaeger bombs, and grinding on girls."

All of a sudden, it dawned on the Hair Product Five to change their ways. They all thanked FM-2030 profusely, not knowing that he was not there and that they were hugging a tree. FM-2030 had already gone back in time to the year 1977 to talk to his favorite fortune teller, who happened to be a waiter at the local Chinese restaurant. The waiter did not tell fortunes, FM-2030 just thought he did because of the Jenkem.

When the Hair Product Five came to from their trip, and realized that FM-2030 had abandoned them, they resented him more than ever. They decided not to listen to such a fool, and so they reverted to their old way of living.

And so it is; because FM-2030 did not stay with them through their whole Jenkem trip, the Hair Product Five grew to rule the entire state of New Jersey.

The end.