Drivin' Good in the Neighborhood

Because let's be honest: when you want Applebee's, there's no limit to what we're willing to do.

Top 5 Non-Video Game Toys From the Early '90s

Because really, who wouldn't put Nintendo/Sega Genesis/Super Nintendo/Gameboy/Video Game Watches on this list. We needed a little more diversity.

5. Micro Machines: Perfect tiny little cars that were smaller than Hot Wheels, so they were easily lost. Also, who could forget this fast-talking guy on the Micro Machines commercial?

4. Skip-it: The fact that this was popular is further proof that children often behave in a similar manner to someone who is stoned. Flashing lights, repetitive jumping, and an ankle monitor? Sounds like something invented by this guy.

3. G.I. Joe: Really, this spot goes to several action figures (Battle Beasts Voltron, and T.M.N.T. among others). Some of these were not from the early '90s, but still deserve credit for making so many boys play with "action figures" that were really just dolls disguised as tough looking characters. Regardless, they were a lot of fun.

2. Koosh Balls : Really, who didn't have one of these? Who ever thought that a day-glow, rubber-tentacled version of a simple ball could infatuate so many people? It did have two drawbacks: (1) when wet, the rubber filaments would stick together; and (2) the rubber filaments would often get stretched out, thus becoming nonuniform in length.

1. Nerf Gun (any type): It was always so much fun annoying your friends by repeatedly shooting the Nerf darts at them, knowing very well that you could not hurt them, but you could drive them to want to hurt you. The drawback was that the darts would often get bent, and thus shooting accuracy was compromised.

New Product for the Kids

As a way to ease children into a magical adulthood riddled with substance abuse, ILoveBlow is attempting to corner the market with a revolutionary energy drink. What other product can take you through the motions of doing drugs without the hastle of heart palpitations, intense sweating, and jaw grinding? None!! If offering valuable years of practice weren't enough, the makers of ILoveBlow still find the time to offer service with a smile. Don't believe me, then just check out their automated voice message:

"If you're calling to complain about how blatantly and socially irresponsible we are, hang up, get off your knees, and pray for our souls."


Wow, practical and courteous! That's what I call a business.

For the Kids

If you're like me, you've probably considered smoking crack at some point in your life. All the cool kids are doing it, right? Wrong. Just ask one credible source: Pee Wee Herman. If you can't trust an honest, respectable Hollywood icon, then who can you trust?