Secretary: "What do you think of this shirt? I think it's a little too shear."
Co-worker: "Yeah, I can see your bra. I have a medium-toned one on today."
S: "Oh yeah? Do you mind changing with me?"
C: "Absolutely not. What size are you?"
S: Incoherent mumbling because she realized I started paying attention
C: "Cool, let's go switch."
Me: I wonder if my boss wants to switch boxer-briefs with me? Mine are a little moist at the moment and my undercarriage is a bit raw after those wings last night. I better not ask . . .
Showing posts with label pretension. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pretension. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Monday Morning Liveblogging
9:32am - Bursts into the office 2 minutes late. Offers no good morning. I thank god for this lack of forced interaction.
9:36am - Inquires via telephone with an accountant about an appointment. Seems perturbed about having to leave a message. My weekend diet of buffalo wings fills the air with a pleasant aroma. This day is starting well.
9:40am - Gratuitous use of speaker-phone. Horrible elevator music blaring in the background (imagine a mixture between a Yanni Christmas album and a fifth grade jazz band). Send death glare across partition and pray telephone explodes.
9:44am - Tax conversation continues. Uses the word annuitant in an attempt to sound educated. Forced to define the word when the representative doesn’t comprehend. Pretty sure her definition isn’t accurate.
9:45am - Suspicion confirmed via dictionary.com. I smile inside.
9:55-10:10am - Call Phoenix Doherty and speak really loudly about warm gin to disrupt her tax conversation. Grunts and death stares start to surface from the other side of the room. More internal smiles.
10:13am - Leaves the office to gab it up with the secretary. Yoga, diet, and salad talk. I try and shut the door to my office using only my mind. Can’t make the door budge . . .
10:14am - I close the door
10:14.35am - Door flung wildly open. I NEED PRETENTIOUS/GOURMET COFFEE NOW!
10:20 - 10:26am - Print out 30 pages of light reading for my morning bathroom experience. Contemplate taking a fresh cup of coffee with me . . .
10:45am - Buffalo aroma dispelled. Decide to get jacked-up on coffee to keep things interesting around the office.
1:15pm - Italian Wedding Soup. What the hell are these meatballs made of?
1:25pm - Why is the secretary sitting at my desk? "Would you like your chair back?" What the hell?
1:26-1:35pm - Tail end of a discussion about some shitty movie that seemed extra perplexing over the weekend. Major themes included alcoholism, nature, and the meaning of life. "It's like he comes to realize that even though nature is better, it's more savage. You know? Like maybe alcohol can make him happy, but maybe it doesn't?" I bet they're talking about a Chuck Norris film . . .
3:11pm - Secretary asks where Office Services is for the 16th time this month. Laughs like a whale getting stabbed when she realizes how ridiculous this routine is getting. Dear God, please make it to 5:30!
3:37pm - The word of the day is officially annuity. In other news, I just stabbed a pencil through my hand.
4:16pm - Way too liberal use of speaker-phone again. Someone get me a gun.
9:36am - Inquires via telephone with an accountant about an appointment. Seems perturbed about having to leave a message. My weekend diet of buffalo wings fills the air with a pleasant aroma. This day is starting well.
9:40am - Gratuitous use of speaker-phone. Horrible elevator music blaring in the background (imagine a mixture between a Yanni Christmas album and a fifth grade jazz band). Send death glare across partition and pray telephone explodes.
9:44am - Tax conversation continues. Uses the word annuitant in an attempt to sound educated. Forced to define the word when the representative doesn’t comprehend. Pretty sure her definition isn’t accurate.
9:45am - Suspicion confirmed via dictionary.com. I smile inside.
9:55-10:10am - Call Phoenix Doherty and speak really loudly about warm gin to disrupt her tax conversation. Grunts and death stares start to surface from the other side of the room. More internal smiles.
10:13am - Leaves the office to gab it up with the secretary. Yoga, diet, and salad talk. I try and shut the door to my office using only my mind. Can’t make the door budge . . .
10:14am - I close the door
10:14.35am - Door flung wildly open. I NEED PRETENTIOUS/GOURMET COFFEE NOW!
10:20 - 10:26am - Print out 30 pages of light reading for my morning bathroom experience. Contemplate taking a fresh cup of coffee with me . . .
10:45am - Buffalo aroma dispelled. Decide to get jacked-up on coffee to keep things interesting around the office.
1:15pm - Italian Wedding Soup. What the hell are these meatballs made of?
1:25pm - Why is the secretary sitting at my desk? "Would you like your chair back?" What the hell?
1:26-1:35pm - Tail end of a discussion about some shitty movie that seemed extra perplexing over the weekend. Major themes included alcoholism, nature, and the meaning of life. "It's like he comes to realize that even though nature is better, it's more savage. You know? Like maybe alcohol can make him happy, but maybe it doesn't?" I bet they're talking about a Chuck Norris film . . .
3:11pm - Secretary asks where Office Services is for the 16th time this month. Laughs like a whale getting stabbed when she realizes how ridiculous this routine is getting. Dear God, please make it to 5:30!
3:37pm - The word of the day is officially annuity. In other news, I just stabbed a pencil through my hand.
4:16pm - Way too liberal use of speaker-phone again. Someone get me a gun.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Classic Internets Content: The Pitchfork Review of The Flaming Lips' Zaireeka AKA A Foucauldian Archaelogy of DiSaronno Blog
Remember when Pitchfork was a nascent little website, offering a clever twist on your typical, summarily dictated record reviews? When other internets music sites / real life hipsters weren't too cool for school / it? Yeah, I didn't read it then either, but I did read this review about 4 years after it was published. If you're too lazy to click on the link, its a review of the Flaming Lips' weirdo concept album Zaireeka, which required that one play four CDs simultaneously. The reviewer can't afford four CD players, so he talks about that for a while and gives the album a "0.0". Never mind asking friends (if Pitchfork writers have any) for their CD players or anything like that. Fuck it, lets just write some shit, slap a zero on the score and call it a day.
Looking back, this guy's attitude (which evinces a total lack of effort combined with wordy self-righteousness and intentionally [?] shitty/pretentious writing) pretty much gave birth to DiSaronno Blog.
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