DiSaronno Blog

2012-01-07T00:03:00.001-05:00

And then I saw myself playing chicken with the creditors of fate.

And I started to wonder if my blade was sharp enough.

POtEENNN FIVE SIX TOWARDS THE END

2011-12-18T03:49:00.002-05:00

I licked the end of the grenade before I let it loose on the boardwalk. I said to the maid before I left, "Thank you for all you've done. I appreciate the clean sheets."

He jumped on the jet ski and made wakes as he peeled out into the sunset as the explosions heated his back.

Scene in. Blood rains from the sky. Drums beat hard. The caller has nothing to say other than whatnot. Things have gotten there, if you know what I mean.

Home Alone PSA

2011-12-14T20:55:00.001-05:00

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/12-things-you-probably-didnt-know-about-the-movie

driving down Miami's Pacific Coast Highway with my top down

2011-11-20T17:46:00.003-05:00

I was so relaxed I forgot how to post on http:disronnoblog

New distraggy post

2011-11-12T22:45:00.001-05:00

Thé las face i sa on thé flight to mi

my take on occupy wall street

2011-10-07T12:13:00.001-04:00

me: http://www.google.com/finance?q=NYSE:S

look at this fucking insane bullshit

was up 10% now down 4%

i'm gonna occupy fucking wall st. over this

John: so the market is volatile? weird
12:09 PM
me: fucking capitalist pigs selling their shares of S

they should buy

fucking 1%

Mid-Day Cheer-Up!

2011-10-06T13:43:00.003-04:00

How i spent my day thus far: Reading two obituaries. Taking a quiz that tells me how many human beings live in slavery to support my high-end, first-world lifestyle.

After-the-fact Live Blogging the '2 Broke Girls' Premiere via Gchat Transcript

2011-09-22T16:03:00.002-04:00

me: so bored at work

that i'm streaming 2 broke girls ep. 1

Adam: hahaha

how is it?

me: just started
3:37 PM
there's some hipsters in it

they are wearing skiing hats or something

she just "burned"

one of em

and called the other hipster

Adam: niiiice

me: and made fun of him for liking coldplay

and she said vagina
3:38 PM
then it showed the othre waitress fucking someone

jesus can't believe this is on network tv

i would be pissed if i had kids and they saw this

Adam: lol

well

v chip baby
12 minutes
3:51 PM
me: ooh rape joke

jesus

Adam: uh oh
3:52 PM
hopefully no one from jezebel watched

me: "Next STop Greenpoint"

on the subway
3:56 PM
ooh white after labor day joke

not sure which is worse

Adam: did they laugh track play after "next stop greenpoint"?

me: probably

no wait no they didn't
3:57 PM
Adam: damn

me: oh shit the arcade fire concert

just let out across the street from the diner

!
3:58 PM
Adam: omg

the ole poutine rush
3:59 PM
me: dude can i save this gchat transcript to disaronnoblog

as "liveblogging 2 broke girls"?

i won't use your last name

Adam: lol

me: and i can redact the first

Adam: sure

me: sweet
4:00 PM
best liveblogging ever
4:01 PM
oh shit!

they're riding a horse!

they're gonna keep it in kat dennings' yard

Adam: that makes sense

as long as they feed it PBR
4:02 PM
me: they are drinking really big starbucks ice coffees

horses love those

Adam: yeah i saw that in a press photo

me: first episode of best show ever

officially over

Adam: least authentic wburg drink ever

me: they made $384 according to the running total

It's time for a fancy evening party

2011-08-20T13:43:00.000-04:00

DiSaronno Piss List: NY Boiler Repair and Cooling Corp

2011-08-08T16:00:00.002-04:00

This place: open (to waste your time) 24 hours a day! Imagine getting to waste an entire day of your life waiting for an air conditioner to be dropped off in the lobby of your building. All for the low price of $75! Don't wait to call; the only thing that will wait is YOU!

Catching up with the cast of The Wonder Years

2011-08-04T12:46:00.002-04:00

Ever wonder what Kevin's best friend Paul Pfeiffer is up to these days? Contrary to popular belief, he has chosen an alternative career track from the road most followed by child actors.

Hey! Remember the 90s?

2011-08-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

Disaronno BlogFinder: News Channel Blog Edition

2011-08-04T11:35:00.002-04:00

http://newyorktwo.blogspot.com/

New York Two has been giving amazing editorial about New York's favorite news station since 2009. You're going to like the way it's written. I guarantee it.

UPDATE: Disaronno Gourmand Photo Upload

2011-08-04T10:18:00.002-04:00

As promised, a picture of the sauteed chicken in a cumin-curry sauce, with a side of pickles.

the Disaronno revival continues

2011-08-04T10:04:00.003-04:00

The Disaronno Blog Revival Project would not be complete without a post on the first day about a very important food group:

So here is a photo tribute to some of the many tasty types of tacos

Disaronno Gourmand: Breakfast Edition

2011-08-04T09:34:00.003-04:00

The menu: sauteed chicken in a cumin-curry sauce, with a side of pickles. Nothing says breakfast like sauteed chicken in a cumin-curry sauce, with a side of pickles.

Pictures are forthcoming in a separate post to get us up to 100 this month.

It's shit!

2011-08-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

New Poll: Hot Topic of the Summer 2k11

2011-08-04T08:36:00.002-04:00

Seriously, what are your thoughts on condiments? In all seriousness, perhaps our new friend from the Gibson can write a guest-post. But seriously, what are your thoughts on condiments?

The best way to celebrate the month of August...

2011-08-04T08:04:00.000-04:00

Have a parade

100 Posts in the month of August

2011-08-03T19:33:00.000-04:00

... Or my name isn't Atticus Finch!

*Possibly including this post

DiSaronno Backpack Review: Kelty Cycle Hiker

2011-07-28T23:56:00.002-04:00

Wow! This backpack is outstanding. I've been using a north face backpack for Litrally like eight years, and that was a great backpack. But this, what can I say about this backpack that Jesus didn't already say about God? It's got a ton of pockets, stores a lot but is compact, and it's real faschionable. Do yourself a fava' and buy one. Thx.

The pouteen we wrote at the topless pool in las Vegas, Nevada

2011-07-11T14:00:00.001-04:00

Find a boat to the borgata right away! I need that shit in my life?
Rough times I saw you in the casino your eyes met my eyes then I said
yes with my kalishnakov. A hard yes to say that was.

But I am nothing. I'll stab you in the abdomen. Even though you're
bleeding let's take a heli to caracas! Let's go to the pool it's
pleasant. I just want to pull you in the pool.

the pouteen we just wrote but couldn't post b/c blogger wasn't working

2011-06-30T10:41:00.000-04:00

Tony: What is this life? Who knew I was a ho-mo? I didn't. But now I know.

Brangelina: Can't believe you sent me that letter. i WILL reject. I'm in a supersonic plane. I'll land somewhere in the mid-Pacific.

Ton-a-rone: All I can think about is the colon. So today I was walking around the lower east slice and I saw a map maker who sold me a thing or two. He actually felt pretty bad!

The helicopters were whirring.

WE've lost our center. The laterals, they've taken the yokes. I can't but cry at the whirry surface. EGADZDZXDXDDXXXD, Hello? How can I be a professional?

I was a hired hand. In my resume I noted my ability to pleasure. Intimate
Intimate. I enjoy intimate pleasure.

We've reached this point at sea-current. Corpuscular fucking breasts. Spin that globe!!!!!!

The hairy proprietor of the smoke shop stoop me up. I thought I had a date at the sea The angry sea. He said to me, "Vrrooooooooooorrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

I give up. Next time I go to the dentist, I give up. He'll take my teeth. Fine.

Corcoran, they are my real estate broker?

Le Pouteen the Poem

2011-06-25T13:41:00.003-04:00

The driver's lost control.

He just took a pill of pure H₂0.

He fuckin' crashed into the grocery cart.

Why am I here anymore I don't know.

Chop chop, Filth!

Notes From My Commute Part 1 (of a 8,234 part series)

2011-06-17T13:23:00.002-04:00

A Japanese approximation of the New York City subway system.

Today, on my daily commute from SpaLIta up to the DMZ part of Midtown (located betwixt the Grand Central County-area and the urban haven of Times Sq.), a large Caribbean (I think) man in a freshly-pressed white suit and sunglasses, holding a tape recorder, microphone, and professional-looking headphones that he pressed to one ear as recordists are known to do, made the train his own recording studio and proceeded to sing/rap about, as I gathered, tsunamis, "woman in bed," and god and presumably record a track as well. I read a New Yorker article about Corey Arcangel (sp?). Was a nice little article about lite, poppy art until mention was made of the young artists bout of cancer. There i slid against youthful mortality and a chilling shadow cast over me. Earlier, I had slipped on some Joanna Newsom. To relax.

Now That's A Shitty Sandwich!

2011-06-17T08:46:00.002-04:00

Where can I get a pointer like that?

Breaking news: Black Eyed Peas Cancels Summer Concert, Leaves Fans Wondering, "Where's the Love?"

2011-06-09T22:06:00.001-04:00

http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/thunderstorm-washes-out-black-eyed-peas-charity-gig_1224808

The pouteen written from the formerly trendy bar

2011-06-05T02:36:00.002-04:00

The
WAyer

Non-narrator: I really don't have much of a frame of reference.

Mashina seks: the only thing I think about is covert cock and as well the times we spent!

Jason o'stephanie: I'm literally quaking in my boots!

Mashina sex: I have meth in my suitcase. I need to unload.

Jason O'Stephanie: That sounds lovely...my suitcase is full of C4.

The devil said that something had happened?

The newest only Pouteen of 2011

2011-05-30T01:55:00.002-04:00

Jesus corpus we saw each other at the lake.
Lake zurich

You were water boarding my favorite ex wife.
I had m lamb grooming with my cock hard in my hand.

I've regarded your bodysleep--wrestloporter!!!

my lamb vrroooommminnng next to the kremlin.
John f. Lemonade was having his corn pipe aka dick sucked by Veronica slim.

You all know her ass vagina pussybottom.

Thin skin you sworn cunts

2011-05-28T13:10:00.002-04:00

Just Smile

2011-05-13T18:36:00.002-04:00

And now, testimony from former bad lady, Wilma Fox:

Le Pouteen the five thousand

2011-03-26T05:26:00.002-04:00

In the day I decided to jump out of the hovering harrier jet (operated by the british army), I jumped. I enjoyed the fall. It lasted for a few seconds. In the mean time I called the local.

Jeez H Christchurch. I changed my whole outlook during that hover. So fruitful... I can't express. I'm sorry.

I would rather have my skull dragged against the street in Zurich. Unfortunately, that's not possible because I don't have a lambo at my disposal at the moment. In this current time and place I have whores and money.

All I wanna do is set loose upon that expanse. Phoenix, Arizona ruined me for all the men.

I wanted something important. God. God? God? God? I've soiled my pants.

Waking as an addled man does, Geoffrey Pepsi feels as if, thinks as if, in the manner of speaking in which the subaltern engages, that his face is tearing away. He is half-almost-correct. "Hello?"

in the end, the protagonist, dies. He was survived by his daughters I guess. No one knew he was.

and who cares. Et tu sedet carnum bellum scapulum lambo.

The First Rule of Living in Williamsburg

2011-03-08T11:38:00.001-05:00

You are not allowed to say the word "Williamsburg."

A Picnic on the Beach, a Really Cool Shirt

2011-02-09T09:51:00.001-05:00

Y'all, Pay Attention!

2011-01-28T10:59:00.001-05:00

DiSaronno Recession Victim Tracker: Yacht Owners

2011-01-21T17:44:00.003-05:00

NYTIMES: Yacht owners are victims of the recession moreso than ppl. gettin' kicked out their houses.

A Work in Progress: For Vague Comments ONLY

2011-01-20T00:04:00.002-05:00

guiding principle: pouteen: an explosive hagiography

Characters
Name Description
Henry Vandervoort A cool, calculating, cumming secret agent man.
Ash Newell The daughter of the Congressman and the Policewoman.
Jason o. Stephanie A farm boy from the American heartland , never been to London, New York, Caracas, or any other place outside of the American heartland, but he's an espionage expert who communicates via secure network, provides his insights.
Porfirio Oleander A clergyman who is an expert on the dead sea scrolls but
also dabbles in the what have you...he studied at oxford but left before he received is doctorate because he thought it was gay. Carries kitanas.
Count Joe Vandervoort Henry Vandervoort’s father. He drives speedboats in Bavaria and is a well regarded recluse.
Dr. “Ricardo” (true name unknown) Plastic surgeon who specializes in neck and hand enhancements.
Mashina Seks ( Russian for “sex machine”) Russian supermodel / turncoat. Biological sister of , but neither of them knows it.
Sir Kenneth “Rodney” Boxbury An wise old man whose greatest weakness is an uncontrollable carnal lust for wiser, older men.
Lisa “Airplanedriver” Cesspool A pilot.
Uncredited A barista.
A hip-hop mogul who is obsessed with implanting diamonds just underneath his skin.

Lucien - a castrato who twitters an internees for his older men
Elements of the Research that Shall be Done
Watch spy movies
Watch Lambo vids/content
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3enQ2Qk70Q&feature=fvst
gay lambo: http://fuckyeahlamborghini.tumblr.com/post/1359482772/lgbt-day-purple-lamborghinis
interesting internet post: “I cum Lamborghini oil from my 6.2 liter tank LOL” (link)

Plot Device Ideas
This is the beginning of the movie: A banquet dinner, with tall candles and servants all around. A man errupts from his chair, “Excuse me, have I told you how lovely your nipples are which protrude and are hard?” Woman flops big naturals out of her blouse. Man begins to suck. She begins to lactate. Nipple removed from mouth. Sprays all over. Sprays the silk wallpaper. Man gesticulates wildly with his arms and dances behind his chair. Random unkown man wearing a bolo tie and pencil moustache arises and says, “Wife, I’ve found my new parnter!” SIlent bullet pierces his skull. Bus boy says, “There’s a clean hole right all through this brain and skully. And from the taste of it, it’s English.” He scoops. End scene.
lunch scene, Bethany and stephany. Female ejaculate/squirt-juice all over their woman-faces. Beth: yo steph, where do you wanna lick? Steph: I wanna lock on your wall but also on your beaver. Beth: my beaver is wet and wild right now, but all I know is my beav-wall is cleaving for yor tongue bone. Steph: game on, I cannot wait to jump in a bloody river with you. Are we gonna do this? Beth: yes maybe yea yes yea, number one okay number two were gay (screeching caught offside Lamborghini crashes into a meat market they both look outside to the hunge billowous flaming gaseous flames). Bethany writes a letter on parchment to get mother: dear Lois I finally saw beauty, it was fire. Then she commits ritual hari-kari suicide. End scene.
funeral scene in sleepy hallow, westcher county. A somber midwinter milieu eulogist: he live how he died, in a way. He spat on his own grave. This is both an undertaken and the launching of a titanic of our own making. Now let us begin the spy narrAtive
jason o Stephanie hands an empty revolver to Mashina - she says I'll go first and pulls nine bullets from her bra strap - fills all the chambers - places the gun to her temple and fires she dies the end thanks for coming and please clean your personal spaces before the next audience

story arc
there is an accidental murder by the daughter of the comgresswoman and the policeman of a capo in the bond street syndicate, which deals in human trafficking heroin haute couture and lambos.
vamdervoort takes charge they flee to Caracas via a connecting flight in Montreal, but in Montreal they accidentally kill a housekeeper in montreals finest premium hotel. D has a crisis and decides to keep a tooth. They depart to caracas. Where they meet an uncle and the plane driver drunk on the local alcohol at a botanica. She talks about the killings to machine seks incognito as a friar who immediately teletypes it to jason o Kimberley and the priest whilst adjusting her mousyache. She's offered wine but she refuses because she wants to stay alert tonight . Vamdervoort calls his local Lamborghini rep and orders up a honeysuckle yellow hot rod Lamborghini machine, which Mashona seks overhears removes her garb and switches sides
Mashona panfish between two worlds both of which are highly sexualized. It's the most secret sex in the world. If you tell a soul ill crush your roofers betwixt my legs
Screenplay Outline

My Christmas-Day Review of "Jennifer's Body"

2010-12-25T14:56:00.001-05:00

Three and nine-tenths stars. Better than Juno.

Le Pouuutteeeen The Stranger

2010-12-11T02:18:00.002-05:00

In the morning, I left you next to the burning lake. I ignited it. The gasoline was heavy to carry.

burning lakes, burning rivers, all very cleveland.

We took the first train out of there and loaded our shotguns. I had no shells. My partner, do you have any philosophical shells to load my gun? Also, I need water. The clock is ticking.

You need to decide. My love or yours.

My love.

Yours?

No, my love. I'm in trouble. I stayed behind. I've got a machete. And they won't let me on the train with a blade.

Just wait. I'll let you know the sick part of my mind in Brussles.

We've been to Brussels.

Breaking News At This Hour!!!: Newest Pouteen Already Converted to Movie Format

2010-12-06T14:19:00.001-05:00

Le Pouteeen 12 4 10

2010-12-04T17:10:00.002-05:00

Rihanna: Hello, aviary captain of sea flows.
Jason Statham: Come on, let's take those pants and sweaters off that mannequin.
R: We had some fun times under the covers. I hid some C-4 beneath the bed. Can't wait for it to explode.
J: Trust me. It already exploded. Nobody knew except us. Colourful fucking explosions., Period.
R: Hey, guy, let's figure out ourselves in terms of our bodies. In terms of plane tickets. Tickets for Caracas and a connecting flight (Montreal). I have a girlfriend there that can hole us up for a quick joint.
J: I've thought about these things at length. It turns out that one cannot find a decent organic fruit betwixt the places one finds coconuts in that Brazilian part of Brussels. Brussels. Brussels. Brussels. Something.
R: I strapped the TNT to the lambo waiting outside of that shit hotel. Can't wait to jump off the tower. Watch me. (MAN FALLS)
J: Okay, I guess. Okay.

Krampus

2010-12-03T15:56:00.000-05:00

Bakstorie

it's like fucking bollywood over here in poutineville

2010-11-26T14:36:00.002-05:00

more of these fuckin' movies and shit

2010-11-26T12:14:00.001-05:00

Pouteen: A Movie in 800 Sequels

2010-11-26T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hey Dumb People: Stop sending me Shoppybag Emails!

2010-11-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

A More Accurate Representation of My Mind

2010-11-07T18:28:00.001-05:00

A video of phoenix doherty's mind's thoughts

2010-11-05T10:30:00.001-04:00

[observational insight via Mark Gastineau]

DiSaronno Newsflasher

2010-10-27T19:11:00.003-04:00

GUESS WHAT AMERICA!

DiSaronno Blog is once again breaking all the rules of conventional blogging. We now have two polls up AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME! CAN YOUR MIND HANDLE THAT! Make sure to vote in both exciting polls, to see if we will put up a new third poll.

The stakes have never been higher! Make sure to exercise your right to vote here on DiSaronno Blog!

Eurelectro Friday: Anette Funicello Edition (Continued)

2010-10-27T19:07:00.001-04:00

Conspicuously missing at this pajama party is anyone wearing a union suit.

Eurelectro Friday: non-Eurelectro Fishbone Edition

2010-10-27T19:03:00.001-04:00

DiSaronno Ranter: Annoying Unsolicited Phone Call from Conservative Candidate in a Different State Edition

2010-10-27T18:44:00.005-04:00

This just in:

Paul Bussman's campaign for Alabama senate has resorted to automated calls to people that have never stepped foot in the state of Alabama! I wonder if Mr. Bussman can explain how mass calling fits into family values; does this intrusion into my life fit in with conservative integrity? Paul, you obviously already have my phone number so I will be anxiously awaiting your answer to my query. I guarantee it.

Listen Closely

2010-10-26T13:08:00.003-04:00

Little known fact: Luigi Disaronno and Eugene Dick have a copyright on the "infinite swirl" move dating back to early 1993.

Check out this little dog munching on corn

2010-10-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

2010-10-26T00:04:00.003-04:00

This is a bee defacating

2010-10-25T13:21:00.002-04:00

30 rock flashback yall

2010-10-22T15:29:00.000-04:00

remember that? good times

Look at this fucking foreclosure victim

2010-10-22T09:59:00.004-04:00

fall fashion ideas + dance moves

2010-10-08T15:00:00.000-04:00

Awesome dog contest

2010-10-05T09:17:00.001-04:00

The Winner!

The DiSaronnoBlog All American Challenge No. 1:

2010-09-30T16:31:00.001-04:00

Hit on someone in a bar using only Bushisms and nineeleven-era fascist slogans (e.g. they hate us 'cuz r freedom).

DiSaronno Cultural Oak Tree: ALERT! TV Show Takes Like a Yr to Have Some of the Gaymen Kiss E/o

2010-09-30T15:41:00.002-04:00

liiiiink

DiSaronno Trendspotter: Old Lady Sluts

2010-07-06T22:08:00.004-04:00

What began with gratuitious Meryl Streep sex scenes and Betty White talkin' 'bout 'er dusty muffin has really been come into its own as a spottable trend with the nekkid photoin' of Dame Helen Mirren! Look out folks, grammas everywhere are takin' it off and sluttin' it up! You boys (and girls!) better button up when volunteerin' at the old folks home or prepare to get your bones jumped!

Le PUOUTEEN xviiiiiiiIVVVVV my vvvvvvvviiiiii

2010-07-04T04:02:00.002-04:00

Once landed my first born daughter committed suicide. All I could think about was my kalishnikov.

DiSaronno Recession Victim Tracker: "Settling for a More Modest Country Getaway."

2010-04-16T16:57:00.004-04:00

THE FACE OF SUFFERIN'

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/16/greathomesanddestinations/16hudson.html

DiSaronno Blog Gay Korner/Interview Corner: Michel Foucault Interviews Karl Lagerfeld

2010-03-18T23:20:00.006-04:00

Michel Foucault: In a society such as ours, where the devices of power are so numerous, its rituals so visible, and its instruments ultimately so reliable, in this society that has been more imaginative, probably than any other in creating devious and supple mechanisms of power, what explains this tendency not to recognize the latter except in the negative and emaciated form of prohibition?

Karl Lagerfeld: I like to know everything; I like to be informed. I am not pretentious. I can speak several languages. I can read in every language.

MF: Why is this juridical notion of power, involving as it does the neglect of everything that makes for its productive effectiveness, its strategic resourcefulness, its positivity, so readily accepted?

KL: I had an interview once with some German journalist—some horrible, ugly woman. It was in the early days after the communists—maybe a week after—and she wore a yellow sweater that was kind of see-through. She had huge tits and a huge black bra, and she said to me, “It’s impolite; remove your glasses.” I said, “Do I ask you to remove your bra?”

MF: What is an author?

KL: She has a great education and speaks many languages. She’s perfect for the job of first lady. I even photographed her naked.

MF: Since man was constituted at a time when language was doomed to dispersion, will he not be dispersed when language regains its unity?

KL: I personally only like high-class escorts. I don’t like sleeping with people I really love. I don’t want to sleep with them because sex cannot last, but affection can last forever. I think this is healthy. And for the way the rich live, this is possible. But the other world, I think they need porn. I also think it’s much more difficult to perform in porn than to fake some emotion on the face as an actor.

MF: But do we know what the relations of exegesis and formalization are? Are we capable of controlling and mastering them?

KL: No. There was a famous man who had written about flies and insects, and I’m like the one who watches the insects. I prefer to see how drugs work on others. And I cannot smoke cigarettes. I need my hands for something else. When I was 14 I wanted to smoke because my mother smoked like mad. I wanted to smoke to look grown-up. But my mother said, “You shouldn’t smoke. Your hands are not that beautiful and that shows when you smoke.”

MF: But how then do we analyze what has occurred in recent history with regard to this thing--seemingly one of the most forbidden areas of our lives and bodies--that is sex?

KL: When I was a child I asked my mother what homosexuality was about and she said—and this was 100 years ago in Germany and she was very open-minded—“It’s like hair color. It’s nothing. Some people are blond and some people have dark hair. It’s not a subject.” This was a very healthy attitude.

MF: How, if not by way of prohibition and blockage, does power gain access to sex?

KL: Spinoza said, and I have to translate it into English, “Every decision is a final refusal.” I live with this.

My New Motto!

2010-03-12T11:40:00.001-05:00

f the cons
!!!!
i h8 republicnas
!!!!!!!!

Official D Blog Beverage of February 26, 2010

2010-02-26T12:43:00.003-05:00

and

Deliciouser than Gooey Blender Drinx.

When Baldacci is on fire, nobody can touch him!

2010-02-02T18:20:00.002-05:00

Alot of ppl out there don't realize how tru this is.

Reminder:

2010-01-29T13:43:00.002-05:00

The world will never bee the sammee@!!!"

"Up yours Luke Wilson!"

2010-01-27T23:45:00.001-05:00

la poutine 2010

2010-01-24T02:46:00.003-05:00

Our alarm heightened with the storm. You: fearing for your life; me: taking it in stride. Through the wind you charted a different course in the sand. The hotel fell back and crushed your car.

2010-01-24T02:40:00.002-05:00

my story drew you in, but our sex was furtive. next time, you lolled, you can have it all

So this thing is still running?

2010-01-20T16:46:00.001-05:00

Damn, I thought I quit this thing like my steroid habit. Oh well, in honor of this shitting phoenix rising back to life, here's the greatest man I ever knew . . . besides myself:

le Pouteeen xxxxxxxxxxxjet series

2010-01-19T01:12:00.006-05:00

In a while I haven't seen you.

Yes. I know. You've been in Bangalore making tiny computer chips.

Enough small talk. How about I introduce you to my legal counsel.

Hello. I'm Janice's legal counsel. Do you have strife with the amendments she's proposed to the legal bill?

(There occurs an explosion outside the tiny cafe they were slowly enjoying their seltzer water at)

Forget legal. I love you Henry.

(Janice flings herself into Henry's arms. He carries her to the F-16 waiting outside VROOMING its engines).

That was Saturday. Only one of them survived the week.

We got a twitter! Follow us on it!

2010-01-18T23:33:00.001-05:00

Link!

Actual Photo of Blogger and Pouteen Author, Eugene Dick

2010-01-18T12:33:00.001-05:00

Jenni "J-Wowww" Shows Us How Hand Jobs Are Done!

2010-01-17T19:04:00.003-05:00

Rock 'n Roll Dance Number Sunday

2010-01-17T17:02:00.001-05:00

fLe Pouteen IVVVVVVVVVV

2010-01-17T02:46:00.002-05:00

The fog horn woke us up. I had my glock close by and the shivers stopped for a moment. We were on fire. Fran was dancing in flame and her lower body was melting. I yelled, "cut your fucking losses and run".

basically, we had to jump into the freezing fucking ocean. i charitably threw Fran first and followed with perfect form.

exeunt

La Pootine

2010-01-17T02:36:00.002-05:00

do you remember that story of rimbaud being raped by those soldiers? we always wondered what he meant by the poop deck in that poem about stolen hearts.

do you remember your quiver beneath my spit?

you said that first, when you told me you spoke french well when drunk and i fucked you on a park bench. have you had the homeless yell at you "keep quiet!" while fucking anyone else? doubt it.

i could tell you never liked poetry, and i'm glad you jumped off that building.

LA POUTEENAGE TIMBOMB

2010-01-17T02:27:00.002-05:00

In the morning I heard a quiet egg being made. who dares? I put my jumpsuit onn and jumped out the plane. we were in Milan.

i demand soft boiled at 145 degrees farenheit for eggsactly 45 minutes. You like the joke and you sort of think i'm a good guy, but my stare tells you, hey, i killed my dad. you retrieve your digital thermometer and i quietly commend your survival instinct.

stood shocked

i grabbed the glock and the usa today walked slowly through the hotel and became a dude in a disaster.

guess what, i hailed a GD cab and met the Concorde. Ghis is something natural. Please call me on the plane phone 1-800-FRESH.

Some people are catching on to Summer 2k7 trends

2010-01-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

DiSaronno Blog Presents: Daaaaamn Slate.com, That's Just Wrong

2010-01-06T23:52:00.002-05:00

Is Disaronno Blog Experiencing a Resurgence?!?!

2010-01-05T19:40:00.003-05:00

Yes.

Now go F yourself.

Keep on trucking with the poll

2009-12-29T00:20:00.007-05:00

Come on you fux, start voting, there are only 58 days left to finalize how your daily commute makes you feel!

I bet your daily commute could be a lot worse. You could be a man/woman on the move, with no set commute, just a traveling salesman selling your snake oil to the unsuspecting disaronno addicts. Make a nickel how you can, then say goodbye, promise to write, and throw on a pair of shades so that the same old town doesn't see the misty buildup in your eye. It could be that every time you bid your adieu, you feel like a decrepit, forgotten low-budget recording of a sad sad song.

I bet in a few years, if you try to settle down on the road, your commute could get very exciting. Become a trucker, so that you bring your home with you, wherever you go. Who needs a house when you have a good hammock in the back of trailer? All you need is the good hammock in the back of the trailer for good your lady, a gas station that sells 5 hour energy (or the good stuff if it were pre-1970). You power through, because no one can stop you, and your blood courses thicker than a mere mortal. Your veins may be popping out of your neck, but who gives a shit, because they are filled with blue gold (and your arteries red gold, and you know that because in Sassafras Falls there was a pharmacist that explained the difference to you). And you don't care that your truck is on fire, going 90mph the wrong way down a one-way street, because you are powering through on the night train:

And then you're all grown up. It's the 1980s, and you are flying high, both pharmacologically and financially, and you don't give a shit because you don't commute; people commute to you. And then you meet someone special that you care about. You woo her. And then all of a sudden something bad goes down, not with her, but with farmacological phinance. You have to put down your White Horse on the rocks with a chaser of white horse, you roll up the sleeves to your silk azure armani, and you say fuck this; it's time to pull out the shotgun and put a hole in someone's chest. You consigliere, a meathead named Biff from Fort Lauderdale, drives up in a mustang, top down, and you head to the office. And then things don't go too well. You sit back down in the car, while Biff speeds away, and your lap slowly accumulates a puddle of blood. Biff screeches around corners, fuck youing and shtting at every corner, and you are silent, and the hourglass of fate pours blood from your once blue veins (and red arteries) into Biff's mustang. It's then that you wonder. Who's going to drive you home tonight? Where is home?

In conclusion, I bet your commute could be worse.

fuckBADGERfarts

2009-12-25T12:19:00.008-05:00

something's wrong with blogger & posting photos properly.

i would support a move to tumblr or wordpress...

DiSaronno Nostradamus: WTF is Goin' On in Two Kay Ten???

2009-12-24T23:37:00.005-05:00

Some photogs of wtf to expect in the yr ahead:

In short, our prediction was totally fully correct.

festivus

2009-12-23T17:40:00.002-05:00

Winner: Mugshot t-shirt award

2009-12-23T11:18:00.000-05:00

BADGERfarts

2009-12-22T11:44:00.004-05:00

A Christmas Story

2009-12-22T10:08:00.003-05:00

Time: 8:30PM on a recent Friday night
Place: a southern suburban college town

I was extremely excited for my night out on the town with my girlfriend. The destination? Target. Before this endeavor, we ate at our favorite strip mall Mexican place, the $2 Corona Light special convincing me that oxygen was still worth inhaling. What was the objective of our excursion to this big box retail locale on a Friday night? I needed to pick up a few things. Most importantly, I was out of Duraflame logs for my fireplace- however I did want to compare the burn time on the Duraflame to the burn time on the much more reasonably priced store brand. I also needed to get some soap. And condoms (boo-yah!). And some asparagus - it was on sale. After spending 23 minutes in the dog toy aisle looking for dog toys that squeaked in a manner that would appeal to my girlfriend's dog's fastidious auditory preferences, I decided to make a break for it and check out the egg nog selection. I was excited about this. It's Christmas, and nothing gets me more in the mood to celebrate Jesus's knocked up mom ejecting him from her uterus than egg yolks, cream, sugar, and Evan Williams. With egg nog, Duraflame logs, and $15 dog toys in tow, we made our way to the car and then home. The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock was waiting for us. But it was going to be a good night, for I had, in my haste, forgotten to buy condoms... The end.

BADGERfarts

2009-12-21T17:28:00.007-05:00

Karaoke Bad Romance "Official Music Video" - Amazing

2009-12-19T12:51:00.002-05:00

Top Ten Tru Amerikan Hyros of 2k9

2009-12-18T15:49:00.003-05:00

(listed by: name, reason for fame, reason for award of hero status)

10. You - u were Time mag's Person of the Year in 2006, & tho u've gotten older & fatter, u continue 2 incessantly twitter & photograph ur drunk friends & whatnot - 4 twittering, etc. (u r lucky 2 get 10)

9. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - noted public speaker & sorta-Prez - 4 not being a sore loser

8. iPhone - there's an app 4 it - 4 doing all kinds of shit every time u pay it $1.99.

7. Snooki - guidette - 4 best gif evar

6. Tiger Woods - noted Lothario - 4 doing playing ex-Arthur Anderson like fierce combo of Don Juan & DOJ

5. The Recession - economic phenomenon - for being "kind of a big deal"

4. Skins - show on tele - 4 trailer

3. Winnie the Pooh - pooh bear - 4 tryin' 2 get that honey (lol @ tiger woods, professional golfer, was runner up in this category!!!)

2. Lady Gaga - songstress - 4 costumes

1. Bad Halloween Lady Gaga Costume-bearers - half of girls, a quarter of guys - 4 being the bearer of bad costumes.

We're Back

2009-12-18T15:37:00.001-05:00

Look out world, because 2010 is going to be the year of the D!

Le PUOUTEEN xviiiiiiiIVVVVVV

2009-08-02T02:28:00.003-04:00

The Beginning.

I saw you across the street while I was going 100 miles an hour in my lambo. It was hard because I was flying by a couple miles an hour. Did you see those persons walking along? They were striving for more substance in this economy...and this ecology. I'm a big fan of the new york mets! Did you ever see Susan B. Anthony? She was some sort of American. She is pretty famous. But not exactly John Adams (that's a sort-of president).

Hello?

High?

I'm waiting in the Lobby of the Grande Halston of Milano ... with the clock ticking on my Grand Mariner. The limo is calling my assistant. He has C4 strapped to his belt. This was a sorty challenge. I tried to wrestle the enemies of the USA to the China, but I had a time clock that was made in the People's Republic of Korea.

XOXOX,

You Have Twenty-Four Hours Love Bug

alps

2009-06-07T03:17:00.002-04:00

we had our time aginst the snow banks in the swiss mountain side. i cuddled against you.

le pouteen three thousand iiiivvvvv

2009-06-07T02:48:00.004-04:00

welcome back. I'm in cairo. i have a view of the pyramids outside my apartment.

I have scaled the andes but I have never scaled the pyramids.

And I know that I never will because tomorrow they will be nothing but a pile of rubble.

Hold up wait a minute..there is a rumbling outside the tombs.

we have got to get the fuck out of here

that sounds like a fair proposition. i have thought about things here in egypt. it turn out that nothing is true. except the C4 i have strapped to my chest. i need to fling this into the 3rd floor apartment. the explosion is huge.

yo don't worry we will go to my chalet in the swiss alps. i have a jacuzzi there where you can soak your limbs. but afterwards you have to perform in my studio video. just joking, person. i've never placed conditions upon usage of my jacuzzi.

Le Pouteen the third god blast if we had anything else i ahve nothing. ONe. nothing viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

2008-12-20T17:29:00.002-05:00

Beijan. I saw you last in Las Plamas. You were sipping a nice Swedish Vodkas.

He stared at me for a prolonged period of time and then vomited.

I vomit at your question. Nothing would ever let me blow up a car bomb underneath the Antarctic Embassy. Till then.

No. I'll see you on the Azure Coast.

No. I'll see you in my Nuclear Sub.

Game. on.

Game. on.